Letter Writing-a Path to Self Discovery

Connection. It’s a word we hear a lot today, but what does it really mean? We’re all so “connected” digitally–we text, we chat and share photos via social media, we FaceTime…but are those really the best ways we can connect?

During these unprecedented and uncertain times, it’s more important than ever to not only stay connected with the people we love, but to stay connected to ourselves and what is most important to us. Writing letters, especially writing a letter to ourselves, is one wonderful way to do that. 

On January 1, 2019, I started a rather unusual project: I set out to write one letter every day for an entire year. I wrote to my family, dear friends near and far, authors who have influenced me and even an old college professor. The project changed me. I became more likely to send thank you notes and letters for all sorts of things I typically took for granted. I noticed traits that I love about people I know and then told them about those things in a letter delivered right to their house. 

But the letter I wrote that made the most impact was the letter I wrote to myself. 

At first, it seems a bit odd. Sit down and write a letter…to myself? How could that make a difference in my life?

A letter to yourself helps in a few different ways. First, it helps you remember. We are so forgetful, aren’t we? We want to change our lives and improve our habits and stop wasting time on the unimportant things, but time slips by and we inevitably find ourselves back in our old grooves, doing the easy things we want to stop doing. It can feel so hard to change that it seems impossible at times. 

When you write a letter to yourself, include what is important to you–truly important. If you’re embarking on a big goal (like I was when I wrote my letter), write about why it’s important, and how you expect to feel once you’ve achieved what you set out to do. Be very specific. The more details you include in your reasons why you’re trying to change or achieve a specific goal, the more motivating it will be to re-read that letter. Which you should do, often. Read the letter every day if you’re serious about achieving your goal!

A letter is tangible–you can hold it in your hands and store it somewhere safe. I know that some people like to write important things on the notes app in their phones, but I think a hard copy, a handwritten letter is much more powerful. How many notes have you written to yourself on your phone that you’ve never read again? A letter in your own handwriting feels more personal, because it is more personal. A note on your phone is easy to ignore; a handwritten letter is impossible to ignore. And because it’s in an envelope with your name on it, it feels like a small gift to yourself (which it absolutely is). 

A letter to yourself is one of the most powerful antidotes against the hard, depressing times that are inevitable for all of us. When I first set my goal to write a daily letter, I was elated. I thought it was going to be wonderful to start on my project and write my letter each day. However, as January 1st approached, and the date when I had planned to begin the project drew nearer, I started to have serious doubts about the whole thing. I felt afraid of what other people might think of me. I wasn’t sure I had what it would take to see my goal through to the end.

Throughout 2019, my attitude and thoughts towards my letter writing project ebbed and flowed. Some days I thought I was amazing for writing my letter each day! Other days (and even weeks, or longer) I wanted to quit because it got hard. But because I had that letter to myself reminding me of why I started the project in the first place, it was a simple but powerful motivator to just keep going. Because the letter to myself reminded me of my why behind the project, reading it propelled me forward on the hard days when I just wanted to throw in the towel and leave the whole thing behind.

I hope you feel inspired to pick up a pen and paper and write a letter to yourself, today. Write about all the things that are going well in your life. Write about your recent successes. Then write about what your goals and dreams are, and remember to include your why behind those goals. And lastly (and perhaps most importantly)–read the letter you wrote again and again, especially on the hard days. 

I would love to hear about your letter writing to yourself if you choose to do it! Feel free to email me at: shannon@aforeverletter.com and tell me your story. 

Shannon Hood is the founder of A Forever Letter, a blog focused on inspiring people to set aside their phones and pick up a pen and write a letter to connect with the people they love. She also started a line of elegant stationery for letter writing which you can browse on her website. Find her online at www.aforeverletter.com or connect via Instagram @aforeverletter.

Staying Close While Quarantine Keeps You Far Apart

“Connecting with others is rewarding; it makes us feel like we’re not alone in the world.” 

~ Jonah Berger

My friend recently told me that when quarantine started, she found herself checking her phone more than she ever had before. She thought about it for a moment and realized that she was feeling lonely and was craving connection with others. She decided to find distancing-appropriate ways to be in touch with her people, and has been doing much better in quarantine ever since. 

Have you found yourself craving connection during quarantine, or other times in your life? What ways have you been using to connect with others? I have several quarantine-safe suggestions for you:

  1. Pick up the phone. Call your mother or your friend or family member. There are few things that fill the void of human interaction quite like having a real-time conversation.
  2. Let them know you are thinking of them! Send that text. Shoot off that email. I cannot tell you how many times a day someone pops into my head and I wonder how they are doing. I want to be better about letting them know they are on my mind! It does not take long to send a text or email, but if you are in the middle of work or something you cannot pause (like when I am in a session), simply make a note of it or add it to your to-do list. Then you will be sure not to forget about it!
  3. Use your socials to be real. I am not one to put my life on social media platforms like Facebook or Instagram, but I have been one to find out about someone else’s life because they were vulnerable and honest. And I appreciate those brave souls who post real life–who does not connect with that?! If you are struggling, reach out. Ask for help. Isolation is hard!  Or, if you come across a real, raw post that you can relate to, comment and let that person know he/she is not alone. We have amazing technology that can help us connect with our friends and family near and far, but we need to use it authentically in order for it to render the desired connection!
  4. FaceTime/Google Hangouts/Zoom. I know several Grammas are surviving off of FaceTime these days! These video call services make it easy to see the people you care about and is a great stand-in for face-to-face interaction. My group of friends organized a FaceTime call to wish one of the girls a happy birthday, and some of my neighbors have been using Zoom to exercise together during quarantine!
  5. Marco Polo. This app is extremely useful for larger groups or busy friends and family members who find it difficult to coordinate a time for a live phone call or facetime. You are able to record video messages and watch/reply at your convenience. 
  6. Snail mail! You may find this suggestion to be slightly outdated, but hear me out. How many times have you gone to the mailbox only to find junk mail and bills? How would you feel to find a nice note addressed to you from someone who was thinking of you? I have been the recipient of some of these as of late, and it has inspired me to pass on the favor for others! I promise, a letter a day will keep the loneliness monsters away!
  7. Distanced walk. I am close with one of my neighbors. So on sunny days, we both go on walks outside together. We never touch; in fact, we are never less than four feet apart (she walks on the sidewalk, I stay by the gutter). It has been a great way for me to connect with the outside world and feel like a human again!
  8. Coordinated, over-the-fence chat. I happen to live quite close to our neighborhood mailboxes. Sometimes I am outside when a neighbor swings by for their mail, and we chat over the fence while I stand on some bricks. Though it is not the most stable means of communication (literally), it has been great to briefly connect with the people I used to see regularly.

As I said before, none of these ideas are groundbreaking. None of them require great amounts of time, effort, or money. Yet each suggestion will enable you to connect meaningfully with the people you care about in your life. Remember that connection is a universal human need; you are wired to have relationships with people. That is what is going to carry you through these crazy times!

I have adapted to the times and now offer online sessions. Please do not hesitate to sign up online or contact me with any questions you may have. I am here for you!

Melissa Cluff is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in North Texas, providing face-to-face and telehealth therapy options to clients in Texas.


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Staying Connected with Yourself During Quarantine


For many of my readers, quarantine has meant an increase in responsibilities–helping everyone else survive. How are you helping YOURSELF, though? This edition of Quarantine Talk is dedicated to ways to show yourself love during quarantine.

Quarantine has really been something, huh? If you are working from home, you have had to deal with distractions, balance at-home relationships with work productivity, and stay motivated in a space you normally relax in. Some of you have children who are out of school for “summer”; your responsibilities have quadrupled as you have involuntarily taken on homeschooling on top of everything else you have to do (including your own work in many cases!). Others still are out of work and struggling to make it through this time of great uncertainty and hardship. And many of you are sick yourselves, have a loved one that is sick, or are trying to be cautious in order to stay healthy. Every single one of you has taken on more responsibility than you had before COVID-19, but let me ask you this– what are you doing to release the stress brought on by this increase in responsibility? What are you doing to show yourself some compassion during all this craziness?

I have a dear friend several states away who regularly sees a therapist. When quarantine hit where she lives, her therapist recommended she do 5 acts of self-care every day. EVERY DAY! When my friend initially heard this, she laughed out loud; no mother with a busy toddler has time for that! She and I then had a conversation about self-care and self-love, and the takeaway of our talk is what I want to share with you today. I think everyone can benefit from making self-care a priority during quarantine.

You can love yourself by practicing self-care. I love talking about self-care because I truly believe taking time for yourself better enables you to give more in every other aspect of your life. I have written quite a bit about self-care on my blog, have shared a plethora of ideas (including unique ones!), and continually encourage my readers to make self-care a priority. Let me use an analogy to explain the importance of self-care.  When a violin bow is not in use, the strings ought to be loosened. If you leave a bow under tension too long, it will lose its camber (or bend) faster, which will affect its music quality and will decrease the lifespan of the bow–eventually necessitate you purchasing a new bow. As any string instrumentalist knows: You get in the habit of loosening the bow.

This analogy applies to real life: If you are going, going, going, full speed ahead 24 hours a day seven days a week all year long, you are going to break! You need to figuratively loosen your bow. The therapist who advised my friend to practice five acts of self-care a day was essentially instructing my friend to loosen the bow. This is not just for fun or to “treat yo self”; no, it is necessary for your overall well being (and for that of your family members)!

Even though we are in quarantine, time, especially quality time, has become more precious than ever. So how on earth are you supposed to fit in five acts of self-care each day? Make your self-care small, manageable, and attainable. Here are some ideas that will only take minutes, but make a HUGE difference:

  1. Spend a moment outside (be it running, hiking, walking, sitting, meditating, even a few minutes in nature can help heal your soul)
  2. Practice gratitude your way
  3. Eat a balanced meal
  4. Exercise (even 20 minutes working out at home will boost your mood!)
  5. Get ready and dressed (jammies are nice, but you are not going to feel great about yourself if you prolong the Netflix + Chill trend all quarantine long!) 
  6. Paint your nails
  7. Take a bath
  8. Wash your hair
  9. Eat or make a fun treat
  10. Plan for 10 minutes of alone time at the end of the day
  11. Journal
  12. Create something
  13. Practice spirituality (whether that is praying, reading sacred text, meditating–connect with something bigger than yourself!)
  14. Repeat positive affirmations
  15. Sit and take deep breaths
  16. Review/revise goals/resolutions
  17. Talk with a friend or loved one on the phone (more on this next week!)

Quarantine was unexpected and not something anyone expected in 2020. I ask you to please take care of yourself. Remember self-care is not selfish; you can best take care of those around you only when you take care of yourself. You deserve to take a few minutes for yourself each day!

Good luck to all my readers out there. Quarantine is hard, but we can do this! You are not alone. I would love to hear from you; do not hesitate to contact me with any questions you may have, or if you would like to schedule an online session. Onward!

Melissa Cluff is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in North Texas, providing face-to-face and telehealth therapy options to clients in Texas.

Date Night at Home: Quarantine Style

Quarantine might be hard, but don’t let it be hard on your love life. Whether you’ve been dating a short time or have been married for years, I have some stay-at-home date ideas that will strengthen your relationship!

I know I have written about quarantine the last couple weeks now…but can anyone think about anything else other than how crazy things are in the world?! It is tough, but I know we can make it through this with our most important relationships intact!

One thing that I have heard frequently during this quarantine is that couples are needing a way to reset and reconnect; lovers are wanting to feel more love during this difficult time. So while all of the usual ideas (eat out, see a movie, etc.) are off the table, let’s explore what the two of you can do from the comfort of your own home:

  • Prepare a candle-lit dinner
  • Read a book together
  • Make a music video
  • Watch a movie (don’t forget the popcorn!)
  • Have a picnic
  • Order take out
  • Enjoy a themed dinner/movie (I once did this with the movie “Prom Night”–prom dress and all!)
  • Make fondue
  • Have a bonfire
  • Roast smores
  • Have a dessert bar
  • Throw a backyard movie night
  • Watch a sports game
  • Watch a concert
  • Battle with a video game night
  • Have a board/card game night
  • Do a puzzle
  • Create a DIY photo booth
  • Decorate your living space for an upcoming birthday/holiday
  • Go indoor camping
  • Have a “no electricity” night
  • Be artistic: Draw, do watercolor, paint, etc.
  • Play Twister
  • Karaoke night
  • Dance party
  • Turn your home into a spa
  • Talk about dreams and goals
  • Plan a vacation
  • Dream together about travel destinations
  • Make a bucket list
  • Take a personality or love language test
  • Play a conversation starter game like Would You Rather…?
  • Walk and talk
  • Watch home videos
  • Go through old photos
  • Create a photo book
  • Make delicious food: Homemade ice cream, bread, pizza, donuts…!
  • Have a nerf gun war
  • Start a movie marathon
  • Decorate mugs for each other
  • Go star gazing
  • Peruse Pinterest for fun meal ideas
  • Cuddle
  • DIY together
  • Go indoor bowling
  • Play music together
  • Build a fort (throwback!)

Of course these are just a few of millions of ideas! What you and your partner choose to do is up to you, and there are endless possibilities. Remember that the goal is to connect. Sitting near each other while you are each on your devices does not count as a meaningful date or quality time. Yes, a movie night is fun, but be sure to spend time talking to your partner too. I selected the above activities because they encourage you to put away the distractions and give each other your undivided attention. Some of these do not require much time, but would be greatly beneficial to your relationship. No matter what you choose to do for your quarantine style date night, remember that the purpose is to connect with each other. Humans are literally wired for connection! We all need it! It will help you more than just survive this quarantine.

When you set aside time, specifically for your partner, I promise you will feel more connected and happier.  Please comment below if you end up doing one of these suggestions, or if you have another creative idea you would like to add to the list. And if you feel you and your partner could use some help connecting with each other, I offer online sessions. Please do not hesitate to contact me to schedule a session!

Hang in there this week of continued quarantine craziness! I am right there with you!

Melissa Cluff is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in North Texas, providing face-to-face and telehealth therapy options to clients in Texas.

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