At a neighborhood function not too long ago, Rachael complimented Abigail on her cute children. Abigail quickly responded with, “It’s about time that you jump on the bandwagon and have some cute kids yourself!” What might have seemed like a harmless comment to Abigail cut Rachael right to the core. What Abigail did not know was that Rachael and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for years and were struggling with infertility.
It is estimated that 15 million Americans (one in six couples) have infertility issues. If it is not you going through it, it is your sibling, your friend, your coworker, or your neighbor. Like many physical health conditions that have mental health implications, infertility often goes unnoticed by well-intentioned friends, family, and co-workers. If you are trusted to be let in on the tender topic of someone’s infertility, there are certain things you can do to help those struggling with this difficult trial.
- Learn more about infertility. Understand the causes, the language, the options, the process. This will not only help you understand the infertility journey, but it will mean so much to the people struggling that you took the time to understand their situation.
- Take comfort in knowing that it is not necessary for you to give advice. In fact, it is not your place to give advice. It is unlikely that you will suggest a route that has not already been thought of and some options might not be realistic, as you may not be aware of your friend’s personal, medical, or financial situation or history, nor their personal beliefs or values. Though it is natural to want to jump in and help problem-solve, infertility is an extremely personal issue; the decisions that need to be made and obstacles that need to be managed are deeply personal.
- Avoid trigger phrases. Though you mean well, there are certain responses that are rarely comforting and tend to minimize the very real fears and challenges your loved one is trying to share with you. A few of these include: “Where there’s a will there’s a way”; “Don’t worry; your time will come”; “It will happen when the timing is right”; “Just relax, it’ll happen when you’re less stressed”; “What’s meant to be will be”; “At least you can get pregnant.”
- LISTEN. While you may want to offer solutions or words of comfort, oftentimes, the best thing that those struggling with infertility need is a listening ear. They need someone to talk to and someone to be there for them. Instead of chiming in with possible solutions to their dilemma, let them guide the conversation and then be supportive of their plans, whatever they may be. Just listening will mean so much to the person trusting you with this deeply personal issue!
- Help where you can. Instead of working overtime to “fix” situations that are beyond anyone’s control, focus on making smaller decisions and stressors more manageable. Attend appointments. Watch kids (if there are older children involved). Be an exercise buddy (sometimes, those undergoing treatment need to lose weight in order for treatment to be more effective). Help around the house. Supply meals. Pick up groceries. Suggest a fun activity, like a comedic movie or a paint class or a number of other non-baby related things. These daily hassles tend to feel even bigger in the face of major life challenges like infertility.
Lastly, my advice would be to recognize and validate the uniqueness of their situation. Although many face infertility, no two struggles are alike. What one person finds most difficult can be very different from another’s perspective. For some, it may be the physical discomfort that comes from medications, daily injections, or invasive ultrasounds and procedures. For others, the financial commitment can generate significant stress and even become a barrier to treatment. Many mourn the loss of a “natural” conception. This is why one of the most helpful approaches is to remain open to a loved one’s experience. Sit with them in the lows, celebrate the highs, and just be present when things feel stagnant. Hear them out. Hear their story. Be there for them…whatever that might look like!
You may feel completely overwhelmed and unsure what to do or how to help. You may worry about saying the wrong thing or not saying enough. That is okay. Your loved one trusts you enough to confide in you and surely does not expect you to know exactly what to say or do. Remember that imperfect support is always better than nothing at all. Learn about infertility, avoid trigger phrases, listen, and help where you can. As you do these things, you will be able to support your loved one through the colossal trial that is infertility, and can bring a sense of peace, hope, and happiness back into their lives. If you are struggling with infertility, and believe the support of a therapist would be helpfuI, contact me. Let me be here for you!
Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.
- American Pregnancy Association: “What is Infertility?”
- American Society for Reproductive Medicine
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: “Infertility FAQs”
- Cluff Counseling: “Choosing the Right Therapist for You”
- Cluff Counseling: “Making Room for Grief During the Holidays”
- Fertility Centers of New England: “About Infertility”
- Fertility Factor: “Infertility”
- Harvard Health Publishing: “The psychological impact of infertility and its treatment”
- Mayo Clinic: “Infertility”
- Medical News Today: “Infertility in Men and Women”
- MGH Center for Women’s Mental Health: “Fertility and Mental Health”
- Mind Body Green: “Here’s How To Talk To Someone Struggling With Infertility”
- Motherly: “3 ways to support a loved one going through infertility”
- Parents: “How to Help Someone Struggling With Infertility”
- Psychology Today: “Supporting A Friend Through Infertility”
- Resolve, The National Infertility Association
- Talk Space: “The Mental Health Costs of Infertility”
- Today’s Parent: “When your friend can’t get pregnant (and you can)”
- UCLA Health: “Infertility”
- Very Well Family: “How Can I Support a Friend With Infertility?”