Breaking Up With Your Relationship Anxiety

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” ~ Kahil Gibran

You are dating someone wonderful. You are happy. You are strongly attracted to your partner. There is a deep level of trust, commitment, and enjoyment in your relationship. Yet, despite it all, you find yourself ruminating… what if she is not the right one for you? What if she is hiding some deep, dark secret? What if she is perfect but you worry about her sticking around? You fear that you are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship and that your partner will soon find out and leave you. 

This downward spiral of thought is known as relationship anxiety. If you can relate, raise your hand. You are not alone! Relationship anxiety is actually quite normal. You might feel anxious at the beginning of a relationship–before your partner shows mutual interest in you. Or maybe you feel anxious even in the most established of relationships. You may wonder if you matter to your partner, if he/she will always be there for you, if he/she is still attracted to you, etc. The doubts can creep up in all aspects of your relationship at any given moment, really.

Oftentimes, the relationship anxiety is not necessarily caused by anything in the relationship itself (though it certainly can lead to behaviors that negatively affect your relationship). Relationship anxiety may be caused by negative experiences in previous relationships, low self-esteem, and the attachment style you developed during childhood. 

The good news is, if you are experiencing relationship anxiety, there are some simple things you can do to choose your relationship over your anxiety: 

  1. Do not pull away. An overarching theme I have seen in research and in my clients is that when you are feeling relationship anxiety, you will be inclined to pull away from your partner. You distance yourself for fear of appearing weak, overly sensitive, or a myriad of other untrue perceptions. Though it is in self-preservation, this step often damages your relationship. Do not pull away!
  2. Connect with your partner. Instead of physically and emotionally closing yourself off to your partner, work to draw closer to him/her. Connect with your partner in ways meaningful to your specific relationship; spend time one-on-one together, go on a date, do a fun activity, be intimate…whatever it is, connect with your partner. Also, be up front about the relationship anxieties you are experiencing. Express your feelings and emotions, and describe what you are going through. Being honest and open about your anxieties can quiet your fears/worries about your relationship, and will bring you closer together. This type of vulnerability inevitably leads to meaningful connection, which breeds relationship security and satisfaction. 
  3. Express your feelings. use your words…express yourself! Relationship anxiety comes from within and often has nothing to do with your partner; if, however, something specific is fueling your anxiety (ie: your partner playing on their phone when you talk or not wanting to visit your family for the holidays) try bringing it up in a respective and non-accusatory way. Use “I” statements. Through their research, Kashdan et al. found that relationship closeness is enhanced when negative emotions are openly expressed. Though you might initially think the contrary, expressing your feelings can actually lessen your anxiety and help you connect with your partner!
  4. Keep your self-esteem tank full. As I said earlier, oftentimes relationship anxiety sprouts from a lack of self-esteem. Remember that your partner likes YOU for who you are. Work to maintain your identity instead of being who you think your partner wants you to be. Be true to yourself! Practicing self-care and mindfulness help immensely with the constant effort of keeping your self-esteem tank full. See the plethora of self-care posts on my blog for more ideas on how to do this! 

In addition to the above ideas, counsel with a therapist. In therapy, you learn tools that will help you express your feelings, stay true to yourself, and connect in meaningful ways with those you love. As a trained, experienced therapist, I see individuals and couples battling relationship anxiety fairly often. I am here to help. Please contact me today to get started!  

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Sources:

Cluff, Melissa:  “Choosing the Right Therapist for You”; “The Key to Slowing Down in a Fast-Paced World”; “Love Languages: Showing Love Through the Gift of Quality Time”; “The Power Behind Vulnerability”; “Self-care: Is it Selfish?”; “Self-Esteem & Self-Worth: Two essential Components of the Self”

Kashdan, Todd B.; Volkmann, Jeffrey R.; Breen, William B.; Han, Susan (2007). Social anxiety and romantic relationships: The costs and benefits of negative emotion expression are context-dependent. Journal of Anxiety Disorders: 21(4), 475-492. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2006.08.007.

Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., MacDonald, G., & Ellsworth, P. C. (1998). Through the looking glass darkly? When self-doubts turn into relationship insecurities. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(6), 1459–1480. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.75.6.1459

Porter, Eliora & Chambless, Dianne L (2013). Shying Away From a Good Thing: Social Anxiety in Romantic Relationships. Journal of Clinical Psychology 70(6), 546-561). https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22048

Practical Principles for the Practically Perfect

OCD

Anxiety manifests itself in many forms. Phobias, social anxiety, panic disorder, and even obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) are commonly categorized under the umbrella of anxiety. There is, however, another emerging diagnostic disorder with which I have personally become familiar with in recent years: perfectionism. 

Perfectionism plays a major role in a variety of psychological disorders. Despite an abundance of research, there is still no concrete definition of what it is. Perfectionism can be characterized by excessive concern over making mistakes, high personal standards, the perception of high parental/employer expectations, doubting quality of one’s actions, and a preference for order and organization. From afar, it may not seem so harmful, but it can interfere with routines, everyday interactions, and emotional regulation. 

I didn’t recognize the severity of perfectionism that I experienced until my junior year of college. I sat in a lecture focused on the difference between being outcome-oriented and task-oriented. The professor explained that outcome-oriented people feel the need to seek approval from others. They are in constant need of validation and often set extreme goals that are not achievable. Task oriented people were those who live in the present, set realistic goals, and do not rely on the approval of others for their success. As I considered these opposing mindsets, it was apparent that I resembled the first; I panicked at the thought of future failure, set practically impossible goals for myself, and sought success from the approval of others. 

What then, is the relationship between an outcome-oriented mindset and perfectionism? Outcome-oriented individuals spend little time living in the present. Instead, they are focused on future outcomes or past failures. Performance psychologist Craig Manning teaches that anxiety comes from living in the future. When our thoughts are constantly centered on future events where we are expected to perform, our anxiety spikes. It turns out that agonizing over the past doesn’t help much either. As we set our focus on past failures or mistakes, our confidence in our ability to perform in the future decreases, again leading to high anxiety levels pointed toward future performance. 

Although perfectionism isn’t notably linked with the outcome-oriented mindset in psychological literature, the connection that I drew between the two was the spark that ignited my path towards empowerment. While my tendencies toward perfectionist symptoms are deeply rooted in past experiences, there is so much that I, and others who experience perfectionism, can do right now to lower the anxious feelings and constant stress. 

First, we can work on setting realistic expectations. Growing up, I relied on the expectations of others to guide the expectations I held for myself. This is normal as we are learning and growing, but eventually, we should begin to set our own expectations and determinants for success. Setting realistic expectations requires that we consider our strengths and limitations. In recognizing what we can do, we also acknowledge room for error, improvement, and learning. People who experience high volumes of perfectionism often perceive that others have extreme goals and expectations for their behavior. Setting our own expectations draws attention away from others’ expectations for us and towards the expectations we set for ourselves. Although difficult, learning to set realistic expectations allows us to worry less about others and spend more time living in the present. 

Another tool we can use to calm anxious perfectionism is proactive self talk. Proactive self talk is a popular practice in performance psychology. It includes using proactive language, recognizing skills, and being aware of our thought patterns. Many athletes and teams use proactive self talk to improve sports performance, but its effects extend past the arena or stadium. Proactive self talk has actually been proven to lower levels of anxiety when performing under pressure. For perfectionists, proactive self talk becomes a tool that instills confidence in concrete skills and actions that enhance their performance. The fear of inability shifts to a confidence in individual ability. 

These practices are just a couple of methods that can lower the anxieties that accompany perfectionism. Personally, I have been empowered through a balance of professional therapy, diet and exercise, and research-informed practices. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional for assistance; they have resources and training that can link you with the help you need! 

Although my struggle with perfectionism hasn’t been easy, I have learned more compassion– both for myself, and for others. I have learned that it is empowering to speak out about my experiences and encourage others to share theirs. Most importantly, I have learned that there is help and there is hope for everyone experiencing mental illness. 

Lydia Judd is a senior at Brigham Young University studying psychology. She lives in Dallas, TX with her husband where she works as an RBT at Blue Sprig Pediatrics.  

Frost, R.O., Marten, P., Lahart, C. et al. Cogn Ther Res (1990) 14: 449. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF01172967

Hatzigeorgiadis, A., Zourbanos, N., Mpoumpaki, S., & Theodorakis, Y. (2009). Mechanisms underlying the self-talk–performance relationship: The effects of motivational self-talk on self-confidence and anxiety. Psychology of Sport and exercise, 10(1), 186-192

Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1996). The multidimensional perfectionism scale. Toronto: Multi-Health Systems Inc.

Manning, C. (2017). The fearless mind: 5 essential steps to higher performance. Springville, UT: CFI.

What to Expect When You Are Expecting…To Start Therapy

Starting Therapy

“Psychotherapy can be one of the greatest and most rewarding adventures, it can bring with it the deepest feelings of personal worth, of purpose and richness in living.” ~ Eda Leshan

In 2018, 56.7% of U.S. adults with a mental illness did not receive treatment. Maybe you are thinking about seeing a therapist…but you have no idea what to expect, or where to start. You may wonder what happens during sessions, how long will you be in therapy, how you will know that you are done in therapy, or a million other questions. These are common and completely valid concerns, and my goal in this post is to cover that basic information so you will know what to expect when you are expecting…to see a therapist.

What to expect before you start. 

Before going to therapy, it is important to identify the areas in your life that need help and healing. Consider whether it is an individual or relational issue. This step is huge because it requires humility and courage to admit that you need help and to be vulnerable. The next step is finding the right therapist for you. Brainstorm what qualities (such as experience or personal characteristics) are important to you in a therapist; not everyone is looking for the same thing when starting therapy. For example, researchers Susan Hardin and Barbara Yanico asked men and women what they looked for in a potential therapist and found differences in genders: Men tended to want an efficient counseling process, for the therapist to be directive and self-disclosing; while women have higher expectations for the therapist to be open, accepting, genuine, attractive, and trustworthy. Regardless of gender, these researchers found that prospective clients expect empathy, expertness, and concreteness from an experienced therapist, and a positive outcome. What are you looking for?

What to expect when choosing a therapist.

Once you have found a potential therapist, you may experience trepidation about meeting and disclosing your private struggles to this stranger. To help the matter, I urge you to familiarize yourself with the therapist(s) you are considering. Here are three helpful suggestions:

  1. Look at their google listing and familiarize yourself with their website. For example, on Cluff Counseling’s page, I have a section entitled “About Me” where you will find information about me like my hobbies, interests, educational experience and training. I also have a “Frequently Asked Questions” section that will give you insight to my structure and style as a therapist. 
  2. Do not be afraid to ask for a phone consultation before setting your first appointment.
  3. Ask your questions! Create 3-4 questions you would like to ask each of the potential therapists that you are considering. Common questions I hear are: Do I take insurance? How much is each session? Does it cost more for couple sessions? Do I have experience treating ______? Do I have a sliding fee scale? What is my cancellation policy? Do I do couple therapy if that is needed down the road? How long is each session? What do you need to bring to the first session? 

Remember, you are the client and so it is important that the therapist is a good fit for you. If the first one you talk to, or meet with, does not feel right, reach out to the next one on your list. 

What to expect when you start.

Many people are curious about the frequency of sessions, as well as what typically happens during a session. I schedule one 50-minute session a week–unless a client requests to meet more or less frequently, or needs longer sessions.  In the initial session, I always ask why the person decided to start therapy now, rather than a few weeks ago, or months down the road. The response to this question helps shed some light on the process the process went through to get to my office.  

Next, I begin to gather some history on the problem. If I am seeing a couple, I may ask how they met, what attracted them to each other, the highlights and lowlights of their relationship history. If I am meeting with an individual, I may ask how long the problem has been present, what they have tried, what has given them some relief, and who is in their support system. I spend the first several sessions gathering more information and helping the person feel comfortable with me. 

Lastly, I ask how they would know that therapy can help them. Their response helps me understand what they specifically want to address during our sessions together, and orients me to establish measurable goals for the client. I do not want a client to feel they are committing the rest of their life to therapy; setting goals ascertains that there will be an end to therapy!

What to expect during regular sessions.

Once the initial phase of information gathering is complete, we will get to work on meeting the goals. Often, I will give homework assignments to be completed between sessions that will support the work we are doing in session. We will work on coping skills and tools that can be practiced and applied to any unhealthy patterns in the client’s life. Areas where trauma work is needed are identified and a plan is created to do that work. Goals are continually assessed to  make sure they still fit the needs of the client. I remind my clients that the time spent with me is theirs and I invite their feedback; I do not want my clients to ever feel they have wasted their time in a session. Please do not hesitate to speak up to your therapist if your needs are not getting met!

What to expect when therapy is nearing an end.

One of the ways I know a client is close to graduating therapy is when a client or I suggest less frequent sessions. This speaks volumes about the progress and signifies they are feeling more grounded, are reaching their therapy goals, have established a support system outside of therapy, and are ready to put what they have learned into practice on their own. I find great joy when my clients no longer need my help…my goal is to work myself out of the job! My door is and will forever be open to my clients should they need a tune-up. My final question for clients, during their last session, is how they will know if/when they need to come back to see me. The message I want them to hear is that I believe in them and that coming back to me is always an option. 

If you have been considering getting into therapy, I highly recommend you to do so now.  If you are ready to schedule a session but feel nervous, remember that it is completely normal to feel a little anxious about starting something new! It is the therapist’s job to create a safe, comfortable counseling environment where you can begin to address your individual or relational worries. If you think you may need medication, a therapist can refer you to a psychiatrist, and together the therapist and psychiatrist can address your concerns. 

I love my job. You will find the best version of yourself as you shed the weight of trauma or addiction and work through any relational issues you are facing. I am here for you! Please contact me today to get started!

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

References:

I’m Not Crazy! Overcoming the Stigma Around Therapy

“In Hollywood if you don’t have a shrink, people think you’re crazy.” ~ Johnny Carson

Therapist Help

Imagine the following scenario: You go running and roll your ankle. You hear a pop and are in great pain. It turns black and blue and swells quickly. You are concerned it is broken or seriously torn, but you fear going to the doctor for help. What will your neighbors say? Will they gossip about how weak you are for not just “getting through it” or figuring it out on your own? You decide to avoid the doctor, take some Tylenol, hobble around like nothing is wrong, and hope it will just go away on its own.

This example might seem foolish to you…why would you not go to the doctor?! It may seem downright silly to not get help when help is needed!  Likewise, when a person encounters trauma, addiction, abuse, or mental illness, it is of legitimate concern and often necessitates professional help like therapy. In the exact same way a broken or sprained ankle often requires the attention of a doctor, many mental health issues require professional help. And there is nothing wrong with that! 

Recently I had a client look me in the face and say, “I don’t belong here.” She felt she should not be in my office sitting on my couch getting help from a licensed therapist because she was not crazy. She had a fulfilling career, many dear friends, and owned lots of expensive things. She did not believe she fit the image, she had in her head, of someone who needed therapy. In short, she thought therapy was for people that outwardly looked like they did not have their life together and she was not one of them. It hurts my heart to hear the shame she, and other clients have felt for being brave and seeking help. 

When studying roadblocks to receiving therapy, Patrick Corrigan and Andrea Bink (2016) had participants report fear of being stigmatized was the leading factor for avoiding treatment. Participants feared they would be treated differently by their friends and coworkers, that they would encounter rejection or discrimination as a result of seeking out mental health treatment.  Most participants would hide their psychiatric status from coworkers, friends, and even family to avoid being the victim of stigma. Thankfully, in recent years–due in large part to social media attention around the stigma around mental health and therapy–it has become much more socially acceptable to receive mental health care. It is not uncommon to hear about celebrities and prominent figures seeing a therapist; many of them highly recommend it for every- and anyone! I applaud these men and women for using their influence to break the mold and speak up on the many benefits of therapy!

The latest statistics show that the amount of people seeking and receiving mental health support is increasing! In 2018, 47.6 million U.S. adults experienced mental illness…that is 1 in 5 adults! Thankfully, 43.3% of U.S. adults with mental illness received treatment in 2018 and 64.1% of U.S. adults with a serious mental illness received treatment in the same year. 50.6% of U.S. youth aged 6-17 with a mental health disorder received treatment in 2016. Millions of Americans experience mental health challenges each year and millions are receiving help by medical and mental health professionals!

Going to therapy does not mean you are crazy. It means you are smart. Would you sit at home, alone, and let your broken ankle “do its thing” without getting help? No. You would make the proper appointments and follow the advice of the professionals so you could soon be running again. My hope, my plea, my job is to help my clients find lasting healing.  The average delay between onset of mental illness symptoms and treatment is 11 years. Eleven years people will struggle with an emotional “broken ankle” before getting help. Ouch! You do not need to suffer any longer. Make the call–get in to see a therapist today.

I felt sad for the client of mine, and any others who share her sentiments. Just because you receive mental health attention does not mean you are crazy. Just the other day a client, who begrudgingly started therapy at the insistence of their spouse, recently told their new employer that they thought everyone should go to therapy, after they experienced the personal benefits of therapy. While I acknowledge you may believe that going to therapy means you are weak, crazy, limited, hopeless, etc–these stigmatic ideas could not be farther from the truth. I know my clients: THEY ARE BRAVE. They are good people who see their worth. My clients–and those who seek help in other ways–are my heroes and I will always and forever shout that from the rooftops! We need to do away with any and all stigmas that therapy is just for broken, crazy people. It could not be farther from the truth! 

If you have been letting your emotional broken ankle heal on its own because you have felt you do not “belong” in therapy, the time to act is now. Allow a licensed, qualified, experienced therapist, to help you. Emotional health, healing and happiness are possible. Contact me today!

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville,Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

References:

Q&A: Why Did I Become A Therapist?

“We all have worth; sometimes we just need to be reminded of our worth!” -Melissa Cluff 


Many of us evaluate the previous year to decide what we want to continue to do in the new year and what we want to do differently. One of the new things I want to do is spend time answering some of the  common questions that clients and potential clients ask me. I thought I would start by answering one of my most frequently asked questions–one that is a little more personal: Why did I become a therapist?

First, let me introduce myself. Although I was not born in Texas, I consider myself a Texan.  The fact that Texans had a lot of pride did not hit me until I went to Brigham Young University and saw many Texas flags proudly displayed in dorm rooms. In case you were wondering, I have never used a Texas flag as a decoration, and I also do not own a cowboy hat! I grew up in a large family and it has continued to grow with the addition of in-laws and nieces and nephews. Texas is where I was raised and it is where I returned after receiving my Masters degree from Oklahoma State University. When I am not working in my private practice, I enjoy traveling, hiking, working out, family time, and attending concerts and musicals. 

Growing up I thought I would become a teacher since I liked to boss around my younger brothers and enjoyed helping my mother with her pre-k lesson plans. In high school, someone close to me shared that they had a positive experience in therapy and that I reminded them of their therapist. That comment was the catalyst for me to seriously think about counseling as a career option and I enrolled in AP Psychology. Around that same time, I noticed that I felt drawn to the people who I knew were experiencing pain. For example, I yearned to reach out to the siblings of a student who had committed suicide, and to a football player who had been involved in a car accident where the other driver, a fellow student, had died. I wanted to go up to them and say something, but I did not know what to say or if what I had to say would be received since I did not know them.

In college, I decided to pursue becoming a therapist; I felt the “call” to be a resource for those that carry seen and unseen pain. I majored in Psychology and was on the path to getting a PhD, since I thought that was the only route to provide counseling. During my Sophomore/Junior year, I discovered MFT (Marriage and Family Therapy), which was a newer field, and learned that I would be able to see clients after earning a Master’s degree. I was thrilled with this information! Relationships were something that I wanted to focus on in therapy and becoming a LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) would prepare me well and support my desired direction. 

Graduate school was difficult and I had to put more effort into it than I have ever had to put into anything previously. Luckily, I knew that grad school was the means to my desired end of becoming a marriage and family therapist; I pushed forward and graduated in 2007 with boxes of well-worn, 3-inch binders stuffed with annotated articles, and textbooks. I knew everything I needed to know…or so I thought! 

It quickly became evident, in my first counseling job, that I needed further training–namely in the areas of sex addiction and the related trauma. When I had saved enough money, I pursued my certification to become a CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing). Those certifications increased my confidence that I could be a reliable resource for people in pain. I have continued to seek out training in areas that would help me better serve my clients, and that are of interest to me. Although I never loved school, I have loved pursuing higher education through additional certifications and training opportunities.

I have been in the field of marriage and family therapy since 2005 and my passion for it continues to grow! One of my most cherished roles, as a therapist, is helping the people in my office see that they are lovable and have worth. A paycheck, job promotion, or waist size does not give a person more worth; an addiction, a struggle with mental health, or strained relationship does not take away from a person’s worth. We all have worth; sometimes we just need to be reminded of our worth! 

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share why I became a therapist. If you have a question for me, email me at melissa@cluffcounseling.com.

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Therapy is the New Self-Care


“Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime’s work, but it’s worth the effort.” ~ Fred Rogers

Life can be draining. We are constantly surrounded by a barrage of common, everyday stressors like financial strain; employment, unemployment or deployment; addiction; sickness; or familial discord. If we are not careful, life’s demands can overwhelm, frustrate, and discourage us. Self-care is a tried-and-true method prescribed by therapists and other professionals to help clients improve their overall health. And, thankfully, the recent focus on self-care has placed importance on taking stock in what you need to fill your cup, feel happy and less stressed, and be more capable of tackling life’s challenges. I have a suggestion that ticks all those boxes: Therapy as self-care.

Benefits to Self-Care

You may already have a self-care regimen. It likely includes bubble baths, rigorous workouts, spa days, creative or musical outlets, spending time outdoors, meditation, repeating empowering mantras, practicing gratitude… the options are endless. Self-care is the art of taking an active role in protecting your own well-being and happiness–especially during periods of stress. Self-care is how you unwind, how you recharge, how you work through emotions; it is how you connect with yourself and your inner needs. Self-care is beneficial for you and is always worth the time you put into it. 

Benefits to Therapy

Therapy gives you the opportunity to focus on yourself. Instead of repressing emotions, you work through them. Therapy connects you to the capable, grateful, calm side of yourself. Therapists are not there to solve your problems; instead, they help you develop tools for dealing with particularly tough emotions. Abraham Maslow once said, “If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” Therapy gives you additional tools you need for when a hammer is not working. Therapy enables you to lead your best life, overcome any obstacles that come your way, and helps you take care of yourself so you can take care of everyone and everything that depends on you. 

Sound familiar?

The benefits of self-care and therapy are strikingly similar; that is because therapy is a form of self-care. Yes, therapy is yet another way to practice self-care! We often overlook or ignore it because of the stigma that therapy is shameful and should only be used as a last resort. This could not be farther from the truth! Therapy should not be a last resort, and it most certainly is not reserved only for those who have suffered a trauma or loss. Rather, therapy can benefit anyone trying to better manage the challenges of being a human in this complex world. Mental health and self-care are important, regardless of whether that includes regular girls’ nights out and yoga, or weekly therapy sessions and medication. We should never be ashamed of doing what we need to do to be healthy and happy so we can live our best lives and be our best selves. 

Yes, you could talk with your mother or best friend(s) about what is weighing you down (it might seem easier to talk with someone you know about your innermost thoughts and fears). Or, you could try therapy and see that being vulnerable gets easier with time — even easier, in fact, than confessing your musings to those closest to you. Your therapist will not judge or try to fix you, nor will he/she compare or one-up his/her own experiences with yours (like sometimes your friends and family might). Your therapist will listen and offer guidelines for how to navigate your complex emotions.  The skills you learn in therapy can be carried over into every aspect of your life. The ROI from therapy is unmatched!

Self-care is about setting aside time to understand your issues, take a break, heal, and empower yourself.  Doing planks while working out strengthens your core muscles. Repeating empowering mantras lifts you up. Going through therapy strengthens your hope that life can get better. Working with a therapist supplies you with strategies to deal with the bad days. Therapy is self-care; though I am biased, I might argue that therapy is one of the best forms of self-care. Start the new year right by adding therapy to your self-care regimen. Contact me today to get started!

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

References:

Keeping the Holiday Cheer All Year Long

“Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” -Calvin Coolidge

I have a friend who gets truly depressed when Christmas is over. On December 26th he is like a deflated little boy confronted with the fact that Santa will be at the North Pole for the next 364 days. I understand that the end of the holidays can leave us in a slump; we all experience it to some degree! The anticipation of the jolly occasions can leave us feeling a little blue when it has all passed. 

There are certain things we can do, however, to keep the Christmas cheer throughout each year. Might I make four suggestions for how we can do so:

  1. Create a photo book. Looking at photographs can remind us of happy times from the past, and can be a great way to make ourselves happy in the present. There are so many online hosts that make uploading photos to create a photobook relatively easy, affordable and painless. Such a photo book can be a priceless treasure that will bring you great joy and happiness all of 2020!
  2. Keep celebrating. Part of the magic of Christmas is traditions. Family traditions bind families together. You spend time together, create memories, enjoy each other’s company, and strengthen your bonds. In a recent interview with CBS, Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project) recommends starting new traditions throughout the year–like the first day of spring, Groundhog Day, or this year we even have Leap Day! Find little milestones throughout the year and celebrate those with unifying traditions. You do not need the holidays in order to participate in traditions!
  3. Serve others.  One reason the Christmas season is so remarkable is because there is a natural tug to look outwards and serve others. There are food drives, clothing donations, fundraisers, Sub-for-Santas, treat deliveries, white elephant parties, gift exchanges, opportunities to volunteer and so much more. This service fill us with joy and peace; we would benefit greatly if this spirit of service carried over into the other eleven months of the year!
  4. Be a peacemaker. The holidays come with gatherings, which can lead to disagreement and discord. You may have had opportunities to be a mediator or a peacemaker this holiday season, and I urge you to continue in that pattern. If there is gossiping going on with your friends, do not take part. If there is complaining at work, point out the good. If the driver next to you has road rage, do not match it. Be a peacemaker. It will make your life and the lives of those around you infinitely better. 

I urge you to make the most out of this holiday season. Be present for your family gatherings. Pay more attention to people rather than things (or tasks). Savor the good food and the good times. And when it is all said and done, carry that happy Christmas spirit over into January-November of 2020 by revisiting photos, creating new traditions, serving others, and being a peacemaker. Doing this will be the best present you can give yourself. 

Happy holidays to you and yours! 

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

References:

A Guide to Thriving in the Holiday Season Single

During the holidays, single individuals have the unique opportunity to take up new traditions, cultivate a sense of home and celebrate the relationships that they do have.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! This month is full of dinners, parties, events, service, and gatherings.  Because the holiday season is very couple- and family-oriented, it is incredibly easy for those who are single to feel down and lonely. I want to share some ideas for how you can make the holidays truly wonderful even if you do not have a significant other. 

Instead of focusing on your loneliness (which is easy to do), try viewing your singleness as a gift this holiday season. As a fellow single person, I believe that during the holidays, we have the unique opportunity to take up new traditions, cultivate a sense of home and celebrate the relationships we do have. I have compiled a list of several practical ways to get started!

  1. Holiday dates. Sure, dating is hard, but there are so many fun activities you can do around the holiday season. Instead of shying away from dating this time of year, take advantage of it! Ask a friend, or someone you have had your eye on, on a fun, low pressure date. Nutcracker and cocoa? Sign me up!
  2. Volunteer. There are a million opportunities to give around the holidays. I encourage you to serve at a soup kitchen, participate in a food drive, volunteer at an animal shelter, be a part of Sub-for-Santa, or do whatever you enjoy to make someone else’s season better. Giving heals the soul and will certainly invite the spirit of Christmas into your life.
  3. Organize your space. There is nothing better than starting the new year feeling organized and less cluttered. Make your living space somewhere you want to be by cleaning and making it homey. You can also do some good by donating things you do not need to a local charity (or selling them to make a few extra bucks).
  4. “TREAT YO’SELF.” Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec would tell you to buy yourself that gift you have been eyeballing. Schedule a spa day. Pamper yourself with a nice massage, manipedi, facial, whatever will loosen you up. Treat yo’self!
  5. Take a solo trip. If you can swing it financially, think about doing some traveling by yourself. No need to plan a huge, expensive excursion; consider exploring a new city — even if it is just for a night or two. 
  6. Hand make/bake presents. If you have several people you need a gift for, consider getting creative and making something. Creativity is a healthy outlet and also a form of self-care. Plus who would not want a tiny loaf of your homemade zucchini bread?!
  7. Create your own traditions. You do not have to wait until you have a significant other to start a tradition. You can start practices that bring joy to your life, no matter your relationship status. Buy a Christmas tree for your apartment, host an annual holiday movie night, volunteer at a local homeless shelter… the options are endless! One of my favorite things is to simply turn off all my lights,  turn on my Christmas tree lights, and curl up under my Sherpa blanket at the end of a long day and watch a holiday movie. 
  8. Embrace spending time alone. Learning to enjoy being alone is a journey. And although the holiday season can be a lonely one, it is also a great time to reflect on yourself. With extra time off during the winter, you have an excellent opportunity to spend time with yourself, pursue your passions, and make goals. Take time to be introspective; you may find it helpful to journal and reflect on the highs and the lows of the year, and what you want the next year to look like! 
  9. Remember that there’s nothing wrong with being single. Everyone spends time being single. It is a natural stage of life, and some are in this stage longer than others. If you are feeling discouraged and are tempted to stay home, I urge you to be brave enough to go into spaces where you might be the odd one out. Try to embrace your stage of life without feeling jealous or bitter. You can desire the kind of relationship that someone else has without letting that desire drive you to bitterness. 
  10. Focus outward. Ask yourself, how can I make this holiday better for others? It sounds really basic, but I have discovered that focusing on other people’s happiness makes me much less concerned with my own. It is nearly impossible to feel bad about myself when I am taking care of others. 

Regardless of whether you are single because you have broken off a long-term partnership or have been single your whole life, I hope that these tips encourage you to view your singleness not as an inconvenience, but as a blessing–full of beauty and opportunities for growth.  Make the most of what remains this holiday season by volunteering, taking care of yourself, creating your own traditions, and spending time with loved ones. You do not need a significant other to have the best holidays ever. Happiest holidays to you and yours!

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

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Dealing With Passive-Aggression in a Relationship: A Guide to Survive

All of us have at least one passive-aggressive person in our life. Maybe it is your picky mother-in-law, or your demanding boss, or even your overly sarcastic partner. You may be surprised to learn from reading this post that even you have moments of passive aggression. Take heart; you can learn to avoid those tendencies in yourself as well as deal with passive-aggression from the people in your life. Here’s how.

Passive aggressive behavior is when someone says or does something that on the surface seems innocuous, or even kind, but there is a hidden motive that is negative. Passive-aggressive people may blame others, feel resentful, resist suggestions, and avoid responsibility.  They struggle to communicate their feelings and needs. The passive-aggressive person represses his or her anger and is unaware of the hostility he or she may feel or conveys. Passive-aggressive people feel misunderstood, are sensitive to criticism, and drive others crazy.  The passive-aggressive partner is often difficult to be around; sulking, backhanded compliments, procrastination, withdrawal, and refusal to communicate are a few of the most common signs you may observe.

Okay, so you have identified someone in your life as someone who can be passive aggressive at times. Now what? Here are some tips (although the majority of these are directed toward partners, they can be applied to any and all relationships with someone acting passive-aggressive, including yourself):

  1. Stay calm. It can be difficult, but work to not react to your passive-aggressive partner.  Remain calm, notice what your partner is doing, recognize your anger triggers, and be proactive to avoid falling into a pattern of expecting something that never happens.
  2. Mind your words. When you nag, scold, or get angry, you escalate conflict and give your partner more excuses and ammunition to deny responsibility. You also step into the role of parent – the very one your partner is rebelling against. Do not be vague, drop hints, blame, or allow yourself to pay-back (for these are also passive-aggressive behaviors). Be careful to not label your partner as “passive-aggressive,” instead tell them what behaviors make it hard for you to connect with them. .
  3. Be direct. The best way to deal with a passive-aggressive partner is to actively assert your own needs and feelings in a clear way. Be factual, state your feelings clearly, use “I” statements, avoid emotional words.  
  4. Do not enable.  When you fail to hold a passive-aggressive person accountable for their actions, you unintentionally perpetuate their behavior. The remedy here is to hold your partner accountable for his/her actions. Help them follow-through. 
  5. Apologies are not pretzels. Meaning you do not need to hand them out freely. If your boss drops a passive-aggressive comment about you leaving at 5:30, instead of apologizing (unnecessarily) and giving a reason, keep your apology to yourself and ask if you are needed to stay late. 
  6. Speak up. This step will be hard for the  people-pleasers out there. At times, self-preservation from a passive-aggressive individual will require you to speak up. Instead of letting the passive-aggressive person in your life dictate when you have a dinner party, for example, you decide when the party works best for you. If the time you choose is inconvenient for the passive-aggressive acquaintance, encourage them to let you know their needs and their alternative solution; do not do it for them or stay silent yourself.
  7. Control your part. The only person you can control is yourself, so do not take it upon yourself to cure this passive-aggressive person you know.  Manage your own life and avoid getting manipulated. If you find it hard to spend great lengths of time with this person, limit your contact. Practice self-care and surround yourself with people who lift you up and bring light to your life. 

One important disclaimer: It is important to understand that more often than not, the person who is being passive-aggressive is doing so unconsciously; they are unaware that they are being manipulative and unkind. There are, of course, others who are purposefully passive-aggressive, and they are more commonly referred to as manipulative.

If you are a victim of passive-aggressive behavior, you are likely left feeling hurt, confused, wronged, unappreciated, unimportant, and maybe even guilty for feeling that way. If this is you, I advise you to put the steps above into action. Take care of yourself. If it is possible to have a direct conversation with the person affecting you, do so. And if you need professional assistance, please remember that my door is always open. While you may feel like you have no power to change things, stay calm and remember that you can speak up and not enable their behavior. You do not have to be a victim of passive-aggression anymore.   

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

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The Haunting of Trauma Past

“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.”

― Danielle Bernock

You experienced something traumatic. You lived through it. You thought it was now in your past. Then, suddenly, the memory of your trauma is plaguing you as if it happened yesterday. How can you deal?

Many of the clients I see for trauma experience this. They feel they are making progress, personally or in a relationship, when suddenly they are hit by a figurative train and feel like they are back to square one. In every case, I assure my clients that this apparent “setback” is normal and not any sort of sign that they have done something wrong. There are seven steps I advise my clients to follow when facing resurfacing trauma:

  1. Identify the triggers. Think about what may have brought the trauma back into the limelight for you. Maybe it was running into the parents of a deceased friend. Maybe it was returning to the site of an accident. Maybe it was reading a scene from a book or hearing something on the news that resembles what you went through. That is your trigger. 
  2. Notice your physical and emotional responses. Sometimes triggers are not as obvious as seeing something that derails you on the news. The strangest things can be a trigger, and these will be different for everyone based on the traumatic situation and the individual’s personality. Pay attention to what is going on around you when you feel upset or unsettled. Listen to your body — are your muscles tightening? Are you holding your breath? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your heart beating faster? Maybe you are experiencing changes like a loss of appetite or overeating, or you are having trouble sleeping (including oversleeping). Maybe you feel anxious, are having panic attacks, suffering from mood swings, feeling helpless, depressed, detached or disassociated. Knowing your personal responses can alert you to distress, giving you an opportunity to address the trigger quicker.
  3. Whenever possible, remove the trigger. In some cases, it is easy to turn off the news or avoid a place that brings up unsettling emotions/events.  But in other instances, it is uncontrollable or unavoidable. Focus on what is in your power and do that. Do whatever you need to do to put your mind (and body) at ease.
  4. Validate your emotions. Remind yourself that shame, embarrassment, or sadness over “relapsing” are negative emotions that do not help you in the long run. Instead, try giving room for your emotions. Sit with them. Let them be a part of you. Try not to push them away, as that can cause issues for yourself in the future. Acknowledge your feelings, experience them, and then — when you are ready — move forward with a positive mindset.
  5. Be patient with others. A dear friend of mine had a stillborn baby several years ago. To this day, she is hurt when people ask how many children she has. So if you are facing trauma again and someone says or does something that seems insensitive to you, remember that they may not know your story and mean no harm. And sometimes the people closest to you may say something hurtful. Everyone responds differently to trauma; consider teaching others what are helpful and unhelpful responses or actions for you so they can help you heal. 
  6. Practice self-care. This step always comes up! b is invaluable to healing. Take care of yourself. Find an outlet. Be creative. Take up a hobby or practice a dusty one. Journal. Exercise. Travel. Dig in to what makes you tick and you will find that that self-exploration and self-love does a world of good in helping youband find happiness. 

And step seven, whenever possible, seek professional help. Your trauma does not have to define you or your relationships. Trauma is complex, and affects us mentally, emotionally and physically in ways that often do not make sense. Seeking professional help, can aide you in understanding your trauma faster and lessen its impact. You deserve to get the help you need. I am trained and experienced in helping people face and work through trauma, using EMDR, inner child work and other modalities. I am here for you. Contact me today to get started.

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

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