Keeping the Holiday Cheer All Year Long

“Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” -Calvin Coolidge

I have a friend who gets truly depressed when Christmas is over. On December 26th he is like a deflated little boy confronted with the fact that Santa will be at the North Pole for the next 364 days. I understand that the end of the holidays can leave us in a slump; we all experience it to some degree! The anticipation of the jolly occasions can leave us feeling a little blue when it has all passed. 

There are certain things we can do, however, to keep the Christmas cheer throughout each year. Might I make four suggestions for how we can do so:

  1. Create a photo book. Looking at photographs can remind us of happy times from the past, and can be a great way to make ourselves happy in the present. There are so many online hosts that make uploading photos to create a photobook relatively easy, affordable and painless. Such a photo book can be a priceless treasure that will bring you great joy and happiness all of 2020!
  2. Keep celebrating. Part of the magic of Christmas is traditions. Family traditions bind families together. You spend time together, create memories, enjoy each other’s company, and strengthen your bonds. In a recent interview with CBS, Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project) recommends starting new traditions throughout the year–like the first day of spring, Groundhog Day, or this year we even have Leap Day! Find little milestones throughout the year and celebrate those with unifying traditions. You do not need the holidays in order to participate in traditions!
  3. Serve others.  One reason the Christmas season is so remarkable is because there is a natural tug to look outwards and serve others. There are food drives, clothing donations, fundraisers, Sub-for-Santas, treat deliveries, white elephant parties, gift exchanges, opportunities to volunteer and so much more. This service fill us with joy and peace; we would benefit greatly if this spirit of service carried over into the other eleven months of the year!
  4. Be a peacemaker. The holidays come with gatherings, which can lead to disagreement and discord. You may have had opportunities to be a mediator or a peacemaker this holiday season, and I urge you to continue in that pattern. If there is gossiping going on with your friends, do not take part. If there is complaining at work, point out the good. If the driver next to you has road rage, do not match it. Be a peacemaker. It will make your life and the lives of those around you infinitely better. 

I urge you to make the most out of this holiday season. Be present for your family gatherings. Pay more attention to people rather than things (or tasks). Savor the good food and the good times. And when it is all said and done, carry that happy Christmas spirit over into January-November of 2020 by revisiting photos, creating new traditions, serving others, and being a peacemaker. Doing this will be the best present you can give yourself. 

Happy holidays to you and yours! 

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

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When Conflict Ruins Your Cranberry Sauce

“The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of all kinds.” ~ Dalai Lama

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! It is time to gather, to eat turkey and stuffing and rolls, time to admire the snow falling, set up the Christmas tree, sing songs, and shop online. Jokes aside, the holiday season is nigh upon us, and it really can be the most wonderful time of the year. If you are one of many individuals who greets the months of November and December with equal parts excitement and trepidation–due to family gatherings–I have just the tips for you. 

Though getting family members and friends together this holiday season may be joyful and rewarding, there also exists the possibility for a healthy dose of awkward moments, conflict, disagreement, and discord. Since you are reading this post on avoiding family drama during the holidays, I dub you a peacemaker. Regardless of whether or not you have been a peacemaker in the past, that of a peacemaker can be your role this holiday season. Here are seven tips to be a peacemaker during your gatherings this holiday season:

  1. Listen. The most glorious and selfless gift you can give your family is your ability to listen. It costs nothing, and provides wonderful feelings for all those who receive it. When a family member is speaking to you, stop what you are doing and listen. Consider that person’s feelings and then validate them. The gift of listening is a powerful and wonderful way of connecting with those you care for.
  2. Be self-aware. You can choose not to be reactive to what you are feeling. Be aware of how you are feeling from moment to moment; recognize if you are tired or anxious or under pressure to get something done. This will help decrease the likelihood of snapping unnecessarily at someone.  Take responsibility for your own behavior. If you make a mistake, apologize and make amends. If someone around you makes a mistake, be quick to forgive and forget.
  3. Count to 20. If you feel angry or upset, remove yourself from the situation for a few moments. Remember that anger is generally triggered by a cascade of events…not just one event. You must break the chain of events to curb your emotional reaction. This is why I recommend stepping out on the balcony and counting to 20.
  4. Acknowledge anger. In the presence of angry or upset people, acknowledge their anger. “Oh, Aunt Martha. I can see that you are upset. I would be upset, too, if that happened to me! What can we do to make things right?” People usually become angry and upset because they feel unacknowledged or disrespected. Simply acknowledging the angry feelings of a family member may work miracles in restoring peace.
  5. Designate off-limit topics. For my family, there are certain things we simply cannot discuss–not during the holidays or ever. We cannot talk politics. We cannot discuss local football rivalries. Sometimes, being a peacemaker will require laying ground rules about what can be discussed. Remind everyone that you are there to enjoy each other’s company and that none of you would want to do (or say) anything to jeopardize that.
  6. Host. If a neutral ground is necessary to have a peaceful family gathering, volunteer your space. Being Switzerland may require a great deal of work, but it will absolutely be worth it if someone who may have been on guard at Gramma’s house can stand down and relax at your’s. Remember, this is to be a holly jolly joyful season! 
  7. If necessary, be a mediator. If individuals start fighting or arguing, intervene quickly. Take one of them away and cool down with them. Acknowledge their feelings and find out what is upsetting them. Offer to mediate both parties. Let them exchange stories one at a time without interruption, explain what injustices they feel, and then ask them for ideas on how to make things right. There–in five minutes, you can be back to Turkey and eggnog, all because you helped each person feel heard.

This all sounds so obvious and common-sensical. Yet we fail to act this way year after year. We have habits of conflict that we carry with us, especially when we are with family or friends who know us best. What we really need are some habits of peace. The quick tips above are some of the habits of an everyday peacemaker. Like any other skill, they will be awkward at first. With a little practice, you will gain confidence that these tips work. Then you will have your habits of peace that you can employ in every season of the year, not just during the holidays.

May you have a beautifully harmonious holiday season as you engage your habits of peace in the company of your loved ones. Happy holidays! 

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

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