The Toll Lying Takes on Lovers

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” ~ Mark Twain

Lying begins early in life. Children as young as two begin lying when they discover how powerful their words are. Lying can come naturally; you say your friend’s favorite shirt looks great, knowing how much she loves the ugly thing. You lie in job interviews to increase the chances of being hired. You lie to your children, promising ice cream later if they eat their meal first (although you have zero intention of following through). While this type of lying is relatively benign, prolonged lying can undermine the glue that holds relationships together…trust. Trust is the expectation that another person will not hurt you when you are vulnerable, and humans thrive on having meaningful relationships founded on mutual trust. Take that trust away and you have an unsteady relationship. 

Let’s classify what a lie is. I see it as intentionally deceiving someone, omitting important information or only telling half of the truth. A wife may lie about how much money she spent. A husband may lie about what really happened on his boys night out. The husband I referred to in my previous blog post on gaslighting lied to his wife about turning the lights down (thus creating an alternate reality). A lie can be about anything–from what a person said, to what someone did (or did not do); from whereabouts to motives to goals to grades. The bottom line about a lie is that the truth is purposely left out. 

If you have been lied to by your partner, you likely feel anger, shock, resentment, disappointment, sadness. The whole thing leaves a nasty taste in your mouth. You might have a hard time saying it, but you also feel disrespected, humiliated…even violated. You have been because lying is a violation of your trust! Obviously, some lies are bigger and more devastating than others, but even small, little white lies that accumulate over time can make you feel like a punching bag.

Why do people lie?

According to Karla Ivankovich, PhD, a psychology instructor and clinical counselor at OnePatient Global Health, misrepresentation and fibbing in relationships happens more often than you would think. Studies have shown that people lie frequently to those they care about most. Couples are telling each other little white lies all the time. But why? For starters, they have learned that telling the truth can sometimes start a fight. Although a little lie can avoid a fight temporarily, it is not worth the trust that is broken. Some people lie to save themselves from punishment or conflict, or to gain acceptance from a group or get something else they want. Others lie as a form of self-protection; they want to maintain their image or avoid blame or criticism. Sometimes it might just be easier and require less explanation to not give the full story.

You’ve been lied to. Now what? 

Let’s say you just found out that your significant other has been lying to you. You may wonder how to bring it up. Or if saying anything will even make a difference. Figuring out what the “right” thing to do in the moment is hard because you have been betrayed–which puts you on the defensive. Your instinct may be to lash out, or to humiliate them by calling them out on their lies. Although responding in these ways may give you temporary pleasure, they will not help in building the long-term trust you desire and deserve. Instead, try the following when responding to a partner who has been lying:

  1. Calmly point out the incongruity. Let them speak without becoming reactive and refrain from commentary until they have fully expressed themselves.
  2. Consider the why. Although you are understandably angry, instead try empathizing. See where your partner is coming from. People lie for a reason: insecurity, fear, shame, or because historically this was their way to survive and manage other past relationships. While none of this justifies the lie, trying to understand their perspective can help calm your own emotions and help you decide how best to proceed. 
  3. Establish boundaries. If you do choose to continue in the relationship, you have now established that lying is not acceptable.  Make it clear to your partner that you will only accept honesty. Encourage your partner to always tell the full truth, even if the truth may result in some hurt feelings (and then)…
  4. …Practice what you preach. Make honesty with your partner a conscious decision and a habit. Model the behavior you want your partner to exhibit. If you are ever tempted to fib or give an impartial truth (because many individuals tell small lies at time), don’t! Then give reason: “I am afraid you will be upset with me, but here is what I really think…” or, “It feels like it would be easier to lie to you, but the truth is…”; “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but since you asked, here is what I really think…” Talk it out. This will honor the boundaries you have established and create an open, safe environment. Hopefully this will inspire your partner to be truthful, too.
  5. Be consistent and patient. If your partner has been lying to you, remember that change is possible, but with time. Be patient with him/her and remember that consistent efforts to be truthful, even with the small things, will help telling the truth come more naturally. Continuing in this pattern will form a habit. When appropriate, remind your partner that the consequences of lying will never be worth the risk of being entirely truthful. For many people, finding a good, trusting relationship is a monumental life task. So if you have it, honor it, stick with it, be true to it, and be patient with it. 

Lies often start as self-preservation but generally turn to self-destruction. It is a fallacy to think that the consequences of telling the truth outweighs the risk of telling a lie; lies damage relationships. Research shows that small lies make it easier to tell bigger lies, which lead to more trouble. No matter the motive behind a lie, deceit is damaging to any relationship. Where lying creates distance and inauthenticity, telling the truth fosters trust and bonding, which strengthens relationships. So where trust has been lost, the most effective way for it to be regained is for the offender to understand the error of his ways, the vital need to be honest, and then to speak honestly, knowing you would rather have the ugly truth than a pretty lie. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is struggling to tell the truth , please do not hesitate to contact me personally. My door is always open!

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

The Magic of Saying No

“Whenever you say yes to something, it means you’re saying no to something else.” ~Susan Biali

We all feel badly when we have to say no to something or someone.  It is so much easier to say yes when people need help–even if it comes at personal expense. Though selfless service is necessary and admirable at times, there are other times where it is more applaudable to say no. Saying yes to everything means you will be spread too thin and will not able to get things done well or at all; it is physically impossible to take on something new without slacking on something else!  This post will focus on the magic of saying no in hopes of giving you the courage to say so when appropriate.

(Disclaimer, I am not specifically referring to saying no in relationships regarding boundaries and physical intimacy–though that topic is incredibly important. I will write about this specific subject in the future. Instead, I am referring to saying no instead of yes when asked to take on additional responsibilities that you simply cannot accommodate.)

Whether you have been asked to help watch a pet or child, pick something up, drop something off, or take on additional responsibilities at work, you have certainly been asked to help. Oftentimes it feels like yes is the only acceptable answer, even if it comes at great personal expense. Saying no means you could potentially hurt, anger or disappoint the person you are saying no to. You may fear appearing selfish, lazy, or uncaring. You want people to love (or at least like) you. So you inconvenience yourself and say yes.

However, saying no is actually a sign of strength because it shows that you know yourself and your limits. It allows you to give of yourself fully, within your limits, and not overextend or exhaust yourself. Having and maintaining personal boundaries can build important relationships by fostering honesty, openness and trust. (I am not suggesting you immediately decline an opportunity to help someone when asked. I believe in the power of service and have written several times about its power.) Saying yes when the answer should have been no only leads to frustration and resentment. Learning to say no can be a magical skill when used appropriately!

Now, let’s discuss the steps involved in the art of saying no:

Step one: Honor your time and priorities.

Time is an extremely precious commodity for everyone. There are only 24 hours in a day, so you must choose to spend your time wisely. Even if you do happen to have some extra time (which for most of us is rare), is this new commitment really the way you want or need to spend that time? Does it honor what is most important to you? Are your priorities in line? If you are asked to take on a new commitment that will cut into your valued family time, it may make saying no easier.

Step two: Take a moment + Raincheck

When someone asks for help, instead of giving an immediate (most likely affirmative) response on the spot, say that you need to check your calendar and will get back to him/her. If you end up needing to say no, maybe volunteer yourself to help in the future when you are more available. This can assure them that you are willing and want to help, but are unable to at the moment!

Step three: Do not apologize.

A common way to start out is “I’m sorry but …” as people think that it sounds more polite. While politeness is important, apologizing just makes it sound weaker. Your time is your time. How you choose to spend your time is your choice. You need to be firm, and unapologetic about safeguarding your precious, finite time!

Step four: SAY NO.

You may cringe at the very thought of saying the abrasive, n-o word to someone. That’s okay! There are many ways around this that will still get your point across. Let’s say your friend asks to borrow your car, and you are less than excited about the idea. Here are seven ways to assertively, yet diplomatically, decline:

I prefer to be the only one driving my car.“

I prefer not to lend out my car.”

It doesn’t work for me to lend out my car.”

It’s important to me that I keep my car for my own use.”

“Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to lend you my car.”

I’m uncomfortable with letting others drive my car.“

I made a promise to myself that I’m not going to let other people drive my car.”  

Notice that all of these suggestions are “I” statements. This puts ownership on you and therefore makes it more difficult for the listener to dispute. If someone is persistent in wanting you to do what he or she wants, keep repeating “no” using any combination of the statements above. Hold your ground until the person realizes you mean what you say.

Remember, saying no does not mean you are an uncaring, selfish person. It simply means you know and honor your time, priorities, and limits. Saying no protects you, earns the respect of others, and frees you to spend your time doing what is most important to you. It is actually quite magical! Setting skillful boundaries is an act of self-compassion. It is liberating and it is your right.

Next time you are asked to help someone, consider your priorities and how you wish to honor your time, pause before answering, offer a raincheck, do not apologize if you are busy and cannot feasibly rearrange things, and if necessary, say no. Remember that there are only 24 hours in a day. In order to spend it wisely, sometimes it will be necessary to say no! As always, please feel free to contact me with questions, and click here if you would like to schedule a session.

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

The Best Form of Self-care: Forgiveness

The Best Form of Self-care - Forgiveness - Cluff Counseling - Lewisville TherapistHave you ever wondered why it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself? Unfortunately, there is no trick to learning to forgive oneself–it just takes time and patience. Even when we have learned how to offer forgiveness to others, forgiving ourselves is a difficult, yet crucial step we all must work through.

Forgiveness is a process that takes time. It does not happen overnight and may require varying amounts of time and steps for each individual. Regardless of how long it takes or how arduous the process is, I can assure you that it is worth it. Let’s start at square one. What does forgiveness mean? To forgive is to cease to feel resentment against and/or to grant pardon to an individual–including yourself. Forgiveness has many benefits including healthier relationships (with others as well as yourself); improved mental health; less anxiety, stress and hostility; lower blood pressure; fewer symptoms of depression; a stronger immune system; improved heart health; and improved self-esteem. Not to mention how liberating it is to free yourself from guilt, resentment, and pain. Nothing but good comes from extending forgiveness!

I think we all know these things when it comes to forgiving others. But forgiving ourselves is a completely different story. Publilius Syrus once said, “How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself.” I am sure many of you have experienced this yourselves; I have seen several clients stuck on this important phase of forgiveness, and it truly does take a great toll on their happiness.

Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? When we have done something “wrong,” we register it in our nervous system. We hold on to it. We do not forget it. Did you cheat on your spouse? Hit a child in anger? Steal something? The list of potential human misdeeds is long. But then we start to associate definitive statements with our past mistakes. “I’m always saying the wrong things,” “I’ll never be able to cover my bills,” or “I’m a horrible parent.” This perpetuates into a negative cycle of self deprecation and self-loathing. It may seem obvious, but this process does not lead to growth or happiness. Along with forgiving yourself for whatever action or misdeed you may have committed, it is imperative to release those limiting beliefs as well.

Sharon A. Hartman, LSW, a clinical trainer at a drug and alcohol treatment center in Pennsylvania, works with clients struggling with forgiveness every day. She says that forgiving oneself is possibly the most difficult part of recovery. Countless studies show stress and anger can cause or worsen diseases, such as cancer, heart disease, and various autoimmune disorders. “When resentment is interfering with your life, it’s time to forgive yourself.”

Just as it is helpful to break up the steps of forgiving others, forgiving oneself can also be separated into more manageable steps, as follows:

  1. Accept what happened. Move away from excuses and accept responsibility for what you did. Do not justify yourself or blame others that may have affected you. This is a difficult but necessary step.
  2. Establish your morals. We feel guilt or shame for actions done in the past because we were likely not acting in line with our current morals and values. This can be helpful in cluing us in to what we hold important and how we want to live. Consider your mistake an opportunity to define how you will (or will not) act in the future.
  3. Realize you did the best you could at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, so it is easy to critically evaluate past actions. But if you remind yourself that you were simply doing the best you could with what you had at the time, it will help alleviate some of the guilt and frustration you have towards yourself. (A warning: Earnestly evaluate whether or not your expectations are unrealistic or not. Refer to step number six about how perfection is impossible.)
  4. Consider creating a “re-do.” Sometimes I advise my clients to write down how they wish they could have responded or reacted in the moment. This gives them an opportunity to react to past events with their current morals/values, or perception. Simply write down how you would have done things differently if you could go back and do it again. In doing so, you will affirm that you not only learned from your past mistake, but that if you had the skills back then that you have now, you would have done things differently.
  5. Turn the page. The time will come, however, where you must accept that the past has happened and you have tried to amend past mistakes. No amount of re-do’s will change this. So turn the page and accept those events as part of your story. Without past mistakes and experiences, you would not be who you are. In a way, you can be grateful those experiences have allowed you to move on and truly forgive yourself.
  6. Cut yourself some slack. This is like learning to ride a bike. You were not perfect the first time (or even the tenth time) you tried. It took falling off, scraping your knees, feeling frustrated, and bumping up against curbs to learn how to ride. New behavior and thinking patterns are no different. Cut yourself some slack while you are experiencing a learning curve. Be patient with yourself. Remember that mistakes are part of the learning process. You are going to make mistakes. We all do.
  7. Move toward self-love. Think kind thoughts about yourself and show yourself some respect and compassion. Talk to yourself like you would your best friend. If we can speak to ourselves with love and kindness, and put ourselves as a priority, it reaffirms that we believe we are worth it. Recognize your strengths. Give yourself compliments. Surround yourself with supportive people.
  8. Appreciate progress. Recognize the steps you have taken in the right direction. The fact that you are trying to completely forgive yourself shows that you care about growth and integrity. Recognize when you make changes that move you to act and live more in line with your morals and values, and be proud of yourself for the progress you are making.

Sharon Hartman said, “We all screw up sometimes. Forgiving ourselves is as close as we come to a system reset button.” Holding on to guilt and shame because of past offenses can stunt your growth, relationships, and happiness. Forgiveness is crucial–especially forgiveness of the self. Because we know ourselves better than anyone else, we know our own weaknesses and faults, and it is easy to withhold that forgiveness. But I can assure you that extending that compassionate forgiveness to yourself will unlock doors of happiness and progression you have not been able to access previously. Remember that forgiveness is a process and requires time. It is different for everyone. If you have worked through all of these steps and you are still struggling to move on from past omissions, I highly recommend talking to a therapist. Please click here to contact me with any questions you may have, or feel free to schedule a session at your earliest convenience.

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

Dear Partner of a Sex Addict, I See You. Keep Going!

Partner of a Sex Addict - Cluff CounselingEvery second 28,258 users are watching pornography on the Internet. And for every person in a relationship that is addicted to pornography, there is a devastated and betrayed partner. If this is you, and you feel powerless to help your partner, here are some things you can do to be supportive through your partner’s addiction recovery.

Scores of people are falling prey to the readily available and easily accessible pornography that floods our media. Understandably, pornography can be a gateway to sex addiction, which can consume and control the thoughts, actions, and eventually the life of its host. I see countless couples and individuals who are either seeking refuge from their own sex addiction or that of their partner. While I advocate for the addict, I also have a very tender place in my heart for the secondary survivor, or the partner of the addict.

First of all, I want you to know that I see you. I imagine you feel like this is somehow your fault, and that you caused your partner to look elsewhere. That you are not pretty/handsome/skinny/successful/etc enough, and shame yourself to fit the perfect mold seen on magazine covers, tv screens or newspapers. You think that if you just sacrifice a little bit more of yourself, your partner will find what he/she is looking for… in you.

The most important thing I hope you get from this blog post is for you to know that this is not your fault. If your partner is an addict, that was his or her choice–not yours. Oftentimes partners feel helpless as they stand on the sidelines watching their partner struggle with addiction; if this is you, I want to give you six specific ways you can help your struggling partner:

  1. DO YOUR OWN WORK.The best thing you can do to help your partner will be to take care of yourself first. I understand that this sounds counter-intuitive, but only then will you be able to assist your partner as he/she undergoes the healing process to overcome addiction. And when you feel like throwing in the towel, apply what you have learned from my posts on self-care (links included below). Take care of yourself by getting adequate rest, eating well, exercising, and finding an outlet for your stress.
  2. BE PATIENT. This is a hard one. Addiction recovery takes time. Slips and relapses are part of the process. Be patient. Remember that it is possible for you and your partner to recover and heal!
  3. BE HONEST. Being dishonest and not openly communicating is what fed your partner’s addiction and brought you hurt. Model the honesty you want from your partner by being honest with him/her with your feelings, fears, struggles, as well as, improvements you see (or hope to see) in him/her.
  4. WORK AT IT. This goes hand in hand with being patient and honest. Consistently work towards healing. You can support your partner while they are in group and counseling sessions, but remember number one: do your own work. If you are in a healthy, safe, stable emotional place from doing your own work, you will be better prepared to help your partner fight and overcome addiction!
  5. OWN YOUR FAULTS.  Working at it means you must own your part of the equation in order to move forward toward a healthy relationship together with your partner. Although the responsibility for the addiction lays 100% on the addict, the responsibility for your relationship is shared. Accepting the things you need to work on to better the relationship is not saying that you condone or are to blame for the addiction; it says that the relationship with your partner is important to you.
  6. REFRAIN FROM MUD-SLINGING. Refrain from mud-slinging; it will be so easy to want to tell everyone how you have been wronged and demean your partner. Be careful how you speak of him/her and allow others to come to their own conclusions.
  7. LOVE…EVEN FROM A DISTANCE.  You may not feel comfortable expressing your love, in certain ways, for your partner in the early stages of recovery and that is understandable. I encourage you to find ways that you can show your partner that you do care for them, whether it is through texts, funny memes or youtube videos, buying their favorite snack, a hand on their shoulder or simply by asking them how their day went.

Being on the journey alongside a sex addict is challenging and may alter your perspective on relationships and life. Although your situation may, at times, seem very bleak, please remember that recovery is absolutely possible. There are infinite resources available to help you and your partner, the greatest of which being a licensed, trained therapist to aid you along the way. I personally have counseled many individuals and couples and I want to help you find healing and happiness. Please do not hesitate to contact me today with questions, or please click here now to schedule your first session.

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

People image created by Teksomolika – Freepik.com