Bulimia Nervosa at a Glance

“For me, the bulimia was about stuffing my emotions. So I stopped suppressing my feelings.” ~Cheryl James

My friend’s dad is a dentist; within the first minute of looking into someone’s mouth, he can tell if the person struggles with bulimia nervosa. This is because bulimia–the binging and purging of food–wreaks havoc on a person’s teeth. The acid from the stomach visibly destroys the enamel of the teeth and causes noticeable discoloration. But this particular side-effect of bulimia is only the tip of the iceberg among much more serious consequences that come from this eating disorder and mental illness. Continue reading to learn what it is, what causes it, as well as the symptoms, consequences, and recovery options for bulimia nervosa. 

Even though Derek Zoolander downplays the significance of bulimia nervosa, it is a very serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder. People with bulimia secretly binge and then purge to get rid of extra calories in an unhealthy and unnatural way. Binging includes discretely eating a large amount of food, within a small amount of time, accompanied by a lack of control during this episode. Purging methods vary from regularly self-induced vomiting, misusing laxatives, weight-loss supplements, diuretics or even enemas after bingeing. Other ways include denying calories to prevent weight gain through fasting, strict dieting or excessive exercise.  The severity of bulimia is determined by the number of times a week that a person purges, usually at least once a week for at least three months. 

The exact cause of bulimia is unknown. Many factors could play a role in the development of eating disorders, including genetics, biology, emotional health, societal expectations and other issues.  Women are more likely to struggle with bulimia than men, but the latter are still susceptible. Bulimia typically begins in the late teens or early adulthood.

Bulimia shares several symptoms with other mental illnesses: Negative self-esteem, problems with relationships and social functioning, difficulty concentrating, poor sleep patterns, withdrawal from friends, etc. Symptoms specific to bulimia nervosa include extreme preoccupation with self-image, body shape and weight; fear of gaining weight; feeling uncomfortable eating around others; trying to “fill up” by ingesting unsubstantial food (ie. condiments), drinking excessive amounts of water or non-caloric beverages, or trying to chew food for an unnecessarily long amount of time; hoarding food in strange places; disappearing after eating (often to purge in a private place); frequently using mints, mouthwash and gum to cover unnaturally bad breath; and maintaining a rigid exercise regimen to “burn off” calories ingested. 

Bulimia nervosa affects far more than how an individual perceives him- or herself or what he/she eats. This eating disorder truly harms a person’s body in the following ways:

  • Unusual swelling of the cheeks or jaw area  
  • Calluses on the back of the hands and knuckles from self-induced vomiting 
  • Bloating from fluid retention  
  • Stomach cramps and other gastrointestinal issues (constipation, acid reflux, etc.) 
  • Abnormal laboratory findings (anemia, low thyroid and hormone levels, low potassium, low blood cell counts, slow heart rate) 
  • Dizziness 
  • Fainting/syncope 
  • Feeling cold all the time 
  • Dental problems like enamel erosion, cavities, and tooth sensitivity 
  • Dry skin 
  • Dry and brittle nails 
  • Swelling around salivary glands 
  • Thinning of hair on head, dry and brittle hair (lanugo) 
  • Muscle weakness 
  • Yellow skin (in context of eating large amounts of carrots) 
  • Cold, mottled hands and feet or swelling of feet 
  • Menstrual irregularities
  • Poor wound healing 
  • Impaired immune functioning
  • Dehydration (leading to kidney failure)
  • Heart problems, such as an irregular heartbeat or heart failure
  • Severe tooth decay and gum disease
  • Absent or irregular periods in females
  • Digestive problems
  • Anxiety, depression, personality disorders or bipolar disorder
  • Fertility issues (in women)

Many people with bulimia nervosa also struggle with co-occurring conditions, such as self-injury (cutting and other forms of self-harm without suicidal intention), substance abuse, impulsivity (risky sexual behaviors, shoplifting, etc.), and even diabulimia (intentional misuse of insulin for type 1 diabetes). 

While bulimia nervosa is a very serious mental illness, the good news is that it is not a life sentence. There are many options available for treatment, including medication, support groups and group therapy, and individual therapy. By identifying your triggers, I can help you manage stress and avoid the cycle of binging and purging. Getting support and help often gives you extra strength to fight your eating disorder.  Because bulimia is related to self-image–and not just about food–bulimia can be hard to overcome on your own. Effective treatment can help you feel better about yourself, adopt healthier eating patterns and reverse serious complications. Contact me today to get started.

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:


On Love and Affection: When PDA is Okay

“A healthy amount of PDA allows the couple to express their affection to each other, and also to the world. Best practices include using ‘on and off switches.’ Continual PDA loses its importance, and makes others uncomfortable.” ~ Susan Winter

How do you feel about public displays of affection? Are you the type of person that loves snuggling, holding hands or kissing your lover, no matter where you are and who might be watching? Or does the mere thought of holding hands in public give you actual anxiety? Odds are that you fall somewhere in the middle. It is completely natural and okay to want to be affectionate with someone you love. In fact, when you cuddle with someone you care about, oxytocin–the hormone that fosters feelings of love, bonding, and connection–is secreted, thus earning its nickname as the “cuddle” or “love” hormone. But even though PDA is normal and feels good, just keep in mind that there is a time, a place, and a limit for what is appropriate!

Falling in love is wonderful. When it happens, you may want the world to know. At the beginning of a romantic relationship, you are likely to always hold hands and exchanging loving glances. Most onlookers will admire your newfound love fondly. I have written before about how all human beings have an innate need to be loved and have meaningful physical interactions with others.  But there is such a thing as too much of a public display of affection while anyone/everyone is watching. Here is a safe, and slightly humorous, rule of thumb: Ask yourself if your grandmother would approve. 

Let’s talk about the specific ways to display affection and whether or not they are appropriate in public:

  • Kissing. There are certain times it is completely okay to kiss the person you love–such as when you are greeting someone or saying goodbye. However, long, drawn-out kissing in front of others can make them feel like they are involuntarily watching a scene from a RomCom. 
  • Touching. The resources at the end of this post were unanimous in saying that it is always okay to hold hands with someone. An arm draped around someone is okay when you are sitting or casually strolling through the park. It is never okay to touch anyone in a private area in public.
  • Groping. Groping is never acceptable in public. Certain gestures are even illegal in public.
  • Tasting and nibbling. Reminder: Your face is not a lollipop, and you are not a vampire, so experts kindly ask you to refrain from licking or biting the person you love in front of others.
  • Electronic Affection. You should never text, post, or communicate anything intimately personal in a public forum or on any social media platform. Not only can this make others uncomfortable, but you may also embarrass the person you love.

PDA is commonplace in many places –like during your engagement or wedding day, at farewells and homecomings, at the airport when one is about to be deployed, at the movies (especially romantic ones), on the dance floor, and when the clock strikes 12 on New Year’s Eve. I would venture to say that if you stay within the boundaries for the above actions, PDA is welcomed pretty much anywhere. But remember to ask yourself if Grandma would approve of how you are expressing your affection!

Showing appropriate levels of PDA can be healthy for a relationship. Being affectionate in public strengthens your love, shows a level of comfort with your partner, and allows others to identify you as a unit. Additionally, if things are not perfect in your relationship, PDA might be a way to spark connection again. PDA is really an unconscious form of staying connected; a brief kiss on the cheek, a hand placed gently at the small of the back, and an exchanged glance can get the heart pounding. This might even be the healing touch that can lead to amends or forgiveness in a relationship.

I would be remiss if I failed to mention that not everyone wants to receive PDA. I have written at length about love languages (see sources below) because I believe in them. The fact is that, for some people, physical touch is the last way they communicate or receive love. For these people, touching in public may be very unwelcomed! Certain factors like personality, general comfort in public, safety, and regard for others’ feelings play a role in how someone interacts with their significant other in social situations.  I highly encourage you and your partner to openly discuss to what degree you wish to give and receive touch in public, and then to respect those wishes. That might sound counterintuitive, or even scarier than simply reaching out to hold his/her hand, but figuring out someone’s PDA comfort level is an important step toward understanding their love languages. Unwelcome touching can potentially damage a relationship and push your partner away–especially where abuse or addiction is associated with PDA. 

Even after the beginning stages of a relationship, PDA can help couples reaffirm their love and commitment to each other whether life is breezy or if it is a time of disconnect. All humans need reinforcement. If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, please contact me to schedule a session. I am here to help. Remember that, when PDA is consensual, well-timed public displays of affection can provide a spark of hope and connection in relationships. 

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

Beware the Sting of the Internet: Simple Ways to Protect Your Home from Porn

“There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person. In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of the person, but that it shows far too little.”  ~ Pope John Paul II

Every second…

  • 28,258 users are watching pornography on the internet
  • $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography on the internet and
  • 372 people are typing the word “adult” into a search engine.

Every day…

  • 37 pornographic videos are created in the United States
  • 2.5 billion emails containing porn are sent or received
  • 68 million search queries related to pornography (25% of total searches!) are generated, and 
  • 116,000 queries related to child pornography are received.

In addition to these frightening numbers, 40 million Americans regularly visit porn sites; 35% of all internet downloads are related to pornography; 34% of internet users have experienced unwanted exposure to pornographic content through ads, pop up ads, misdirected links or emails; and 33% of porn viewers are women. There is no doubt, pornography is everywhere. It is accessible just as it is addictive. So how can you protect yourself and your home from pornography? Since the web is accessible on so many devices nowadays, I want to go over some free and relatively easy ways to block pornography in your home.

DNS

The Domain Name System (DNS) is the Internet protocol that converts website names (domain names) to IP addresses. Filters at this level prevent the DNS resolution for the blocked sites, so their content never loads. This is the fastest way to block sites. Every device needs DNS to connect to the Internet, so this type of filtering works everywhere. All you have to do is open the device Settings, look for Network Settings or Wifi Settings and change the DNS servers (also called NameServers) to the IP address provided by your Internet Filter. Click here and refer to step one for specific instructions on how to open the settings, get to the appropriate filters, and block the known IP addresses. This article also has incredibly clear and helpful steps for setting up “clean” server providers on each of your devices. (It is important to note that if you are using your phone’s internet, versus wifi, you can bypass any filtering settings on DNS.)

PARENTAL CONTROL

When you make changes or set up filters on your device(s), you will need to set up parental control options that will disable your children from altering any of your settings or removing the filters you have put in place. This can be done on most TVs and devices like Roku, Amazon Fire Stick, and Chromecast. Each device might have a different name for Parental Control, but it is generally called Parental Control or Restrictions. On IOS (iPhone/iPad), you can do it by going to Settings-> General-> Restrictions and filtering the content you do not want to allow your children to see. On that page, if you scroll down to Allowed Content, I would recommend setting:

  • Movies: PG-13
  • TV Shows: TV-14
  • Books: Restrict explicit content
  • Apps: 12+
  • Siri: Explicit language filtered
  • Websites: Restrict adult content

ROUTER

Too many families miss the significant step of controlling their wireless router. You are responsible for every digital click that occurs on your WiFi network–every babysitter, every relative, every friend. Please make sure you have eliminated the bad stuff before they even decide to connect their device to your home’s network!

BROWSER HISTORY

Once you set up a filter to block pornographic content and enabled parental control, I recommend doing spot checks every day or every couple of days to see what online sites are being visited in your home. Older kids will learn to clear their browser history, but younger kids are not aware of that trick. Some devices (like Mac), even allow parents a way to prevent browser history from being deleted! Be aware of “incognito mode,” which is an internet browser setting that prevents browsing history from being stored. If you want to prevent this and have iOS, delete the app store to prevent more apps from being downloaded and ensure Safari is the only browsing app–Safari does not allow private browsing.

SPONTANEOUS FOLLOW-UP

Every few days, go through your children’s messages and social media apps like Instagram, Facebook, Whatsapp, etc. Look at the photos they are viewing and sharing, as well as with whom they are talking. Scan the photo library on your child’s cell phone as well; although younger kids may not be sexting yet, by the time they hit their tweens they may begin participating in this type of behavior. Be sure to look at your children’s deleted photos and messages because kids these days are smart! 

USE YOUR WORDS

At the end of the day, parents ultimately want their children to make good choices on their own–without filters or blockers or any kind. No parent wants to feel like a bossy, overseeing nag. Having a solid foundation where mutual trust and communication are employed will be the best way to help your kids be open with you. If they know they can come to you with questions, concerns, or mistakes without you getting upset, they will be more likely to be honest and open. So start today. Talk with them. Be real with them. Tell them that you will always be there to help them in any way you can.

Other practical tips include paying for ad blockers that potentially have offensive material, limiting or disabling data on your child’s device, restricting the YouTube app on your/your child’s device, enabling the PIN and call your Cable provider to block porn pay-per-view, and being sure to report offensive material if you do see it in a browser search (this will help improve their filtering). Be sure to keep in mind that whatever filtering tools you choose to go with will need to be installed on every device your child may use to go online: game consoles, cell phones, tablets, Kindles, personal laptops, computers, etc. 

One final tip: Lean on the many available resources to protect your home. Though the internet is full of pervasive material, there is also so much information on how to avoid and protect your family against it. You don’t have to do this alone; feel free to contact me with any questions, or to schedule a session. My door is always open!

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

Family Fun Day

“When planning family activities around movement it is important to make fun the overriding factor. In fact, don’t even use the word exercise. Think of using games, competitions, etc.” ~Gregory Florez, the senior adviser on workplace leadership and vitality for the American Council on Exercise.

At the end of every month, I do a post on self-care. I have covered self-care topics such as: why it is important, how it is not selfish, how self-care can mitigate anxiety, help us forgive, and boost self-esteem. I have even given some zany ideas for out-of-the-box self-care. These posts have primarily focused on the individual nature of self-care. This month I want to start taking self-care a different direction; I want to focus on family self-care–why it is important, and what it looks like. 

As a short reminder, self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Viewed through the lens of family self-care, this is any activity we purposefully do to better our family in general–to strengthen relationships, to deepen trust, to build strength (literally and figuratively), and to have fun. Individual self-care puts you in a better place in your relationships; imagine doing self-care activities together as a family unit. It is essentially relationship maintenance and will function like an oil change or tune-up on your car. In future months, I will write more about various emotional, spiritual, mental, practical, and social activities families can do for family self-care, but today we are going to focus on physical activities because Family Health and Fitness Day is TODAY!

I feel confident in saying that each parent wants to teach their children healthy habits. What better way to teach them than by being active with them–as a family? One of the goals of the U.S. Surgeon General’s Report on Physical Activity and Health is to get the entire family involved in exercise. According to the report, Americans–especially those between the ages of 12 and 21–are not active enough. Let’s change that!

Since the 28th (and the last Saturday of September each year) is designated as National Family Health & Fitness Day, I have been thinking about encouraging my readers to participate. Yes, this is a day to get up, to get out, and to exercise (read: PLAY) together as a family, but I hope we all are doing this more than just once a year. Let’s make a habit of exercising together as frequently as possible. Jennifer Hopper, director of Employee Wellness, Worklife and Fitness at Piedmont recommends aiming for 30 minutes of family movement every day…then everyone wins!

National Family Health & Fitness Day will prompt families to be more active. On the 28th, local organizations throughout the country will host family-related health and fitness events at schools, park districts, hospitals, YMCAs/YWCAs, malls, health clubs and other community locations. Local family health and fitness activities will vary widely based on the organization hosting the event and the interests of local families. Activities will be noncompetitive and may include walking events, low-impact exercises, health screenings, open houses, games and health information workshops.

Seeing as how the point of this holiday is to be healthy and active, there are many ways to achieve that goal. Many family-friendly fitness activities are free. You may want to ask each member of the family to propose an activity (only rule out ideas that are truly dangerous) so everyone can be on board. Whether you want to stick close to home or are looking for an adventure, the following are some ideas for you:

  1. Wash the car together.
  2. Host your own family Olympics. Pick activities your whole family enjoys, such as kickball, hopscotch or hot potato with a Frisbee.
  3. Rake leaves together…and feel free to jump in the pile when you’re done!
  4. Plant a garden. You can make it kid-friendly by using planters rather than planting directly into the ground.
  5. Get moving for a good cause. Sign up for a fun run or charity 5K. Almost every event has an abbreviated race suited for a variety of age levels, from toddlers to adults.
  6. Go hiking, biking or walking at a nearby state park.
  7. Visit a corn maze.
  8. Take advantage of your local community center’s pool and playground, even if it’s just for 30 minutes.
  9. Window shop at the mall.
  10. Play a fitness game on a Wii or video game that induces activity.
  11. Take a bike tour of a historical part of your town.
  12. Go rafting.
  13. Squirt gun wars.
  14. “Slip-n-slide” contests.
  15. The old favorites: Kick the can, kickball, capture the flag, etc. Simple yet so fun!
  16. Flag or touch football.
  17. If you have access to a swimming pool, “Marco Polo” and other water games.
  18. A hiking treasure hunt (pick odd shaped rocks, roots, beautiful flowers, etc).
  19. Frisbee football.
  20. Badminton.
  21. Sidewalk chalk.
  22. Chase your pup until someone captures a ball or toy in his/her mouth. Keep score.
  23. The time honored tire swing.
  24. Go on a hike. 
  25. Family yoga! Ommmmmmm.

Remember to try to pick activities that keep everyone moving as much as possible. Keep it fun!

If you do not have a family or live far from them, create your own family group by inviting friends, neighbors or coworkers to get outside and get active with you. And if all else fails, get outside yourself and enjoy some nature’s cure for self-care! 

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

When Self-Regulation Seems Near-Impossible: Borderline Personality Disorder

Nearly 75% of people diagnosed with BPD are women. Recent research suggests that men may be equally affected by BPD, but are commonly misdiagnosed with PTSD or depression. 

We all have mood swings, and some are more intense than others. As a therapist, I teach my clients how to self-regulate, or soothe, when a strong emotion washes over them; I have to practice those same techniques when I feel an especially heavy emotion. Although many of us are able to regulate our thoughts and emotions with practice, others struggle with it. The diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder may shed light for those struggling in this area. My wish is that by introducing this disorder, I may bring hope to those who want to understand and correct the cycles they find themselves stuck in.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a condition characterized by difficulty regulating emotions. People who experience BPD feel intense emotions for extended periods of time, which makes it difficult to return to a stable baseline. Ordinarily, people can tolerate the ambivalence of experiencing two contradictory states at one time. People with BPD, however, feel emotions so strongly that they cannot see past whatever they are currently feeling. If they are in a bad state, for example, they have no awareness of the good state. They view things in extremes–all good or all bad. This includes their opinions of other people; an individual who is seen as a good friend one day may be considered an enemy the next. This unpredictable pendulum of emotions affects how they see everything, including themselves and their role in the world, resulting in impulsivity, insecurity, changing interests and values, and self-image issues. Difficulties with self-regulation can also result in dangerous behaviors such as self-harm and suicidal thoughts and behaviors.  

Listed below are the symptoms of borderline personality disorder. While this list is fairly comprehensive, it is important to remember that not everyone with BPD experiences every symptom. Some individuals experience only a few symptoms, while others have many. And these symptoms can be triggered by seemingly ordinary events and then be otherwise dormant.

  • An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
  • Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization (“I’m so in love!”) and devaluation (“I hate her”).
  • Distorted and unstable self-image.
  • Risky and impulsive behaviors (excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving).
  • Self-harming behavior (including suicidal threats or attempts, often in response to fear of separation or rejection).
  • Long periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety.
  • Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness.
  • Dissociative feelings—disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity or “out of body” type of feelings (severe cases of stress can also lead to brief psychotic episodes).
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  • Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

The causes of BPD are not entirely understood, though scientists believe that this disorder is caused by a combination of factors. First, genetics: although no specific gene has yet been directly linked to this disorder, research has found that people who have a close family member with BPD are at higher risk of developing the disorder themselves.  Secondly, environmental factors like abuse or parental separation from a parent during childhood. Third, the neurological makeup is different in individuals with BPD than those without–particularly the parts of the brain which control emotions and decision making. This disorder commonly makes itself manifest by early adulthood.

Borderline personality disorder does not have to dictate your quality of life. Only 20% of the most serious cases necessitate psychiatric hospitalization and the vast majority of those stabilize and lead productive lives after their hospitalization. Please do not get discouraged if you have been diagnosed with BPD; you can learn to live a satisfying life with rewarding relationships. Help is available. Recovery options include therapy, medications, and group, peer and family support. The ultimate goal is for a person with BPD to self-direct their own treatment plan and to learn to regulate their emotions. Contact me to today to get started on the road to healing and recovery.

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

Codependence: Losing Yourself in a Relationship

All relationships require sacrifice. Roommates may help each other with homework, friends may compromise on activities they want to do, and a partner may need to give up something important to them in order to reach an agreement with their partner. Codependence is when one party in a relationship gives too much and loses his/her identity. The truth is that each of us may be codependent at times, and that there is a spectrum of codependency. It is not a terminal disease or life-sentence!

At birth, a child is completely dependent on his caregiver for food, safety, and regulation. During this time, an infant will bond and form important attachments with his caregiver(s), that will be critical for physical and emotional survival, as well as for future relationships. If a child grows up with an unreliable or unavailable caregiver, he may end up taking on the role of caretaker and will put the caregiver’s needs above his own needs. The parent takes, the child gives, and the cycle repeats itself in future relationships, both romantic and platonic. This is codependency. 

In her book, Facing Codependence, Pia Mellody describes the following core symptoms of codependency: Low self-esteem; difficulty setting boundaries in relationships; a skewed view of reality; overlooking one’s own needs and wants. Additional symptoms include finding no satisfaction or happiness in life outside of doing things for the other person; staying in the relationship even if they are aware that their partner does hurtful things; doing anything to please and satisfy the other person in the relationship, no matter the expense to themselves; feeling constant anxiety about their relationship due to their desire to always be making the other person happy; using all their time and energy to give their partner everything they ask for; feeling guilty about thinking of themselves in the relationship and will not express any personal needs or desires; and ignoring their own morals or conscience to do what the other person wants.

Codependent behavior can be learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.  People who are codependent as adults often had problems with their parental relationship as a child or teenager. They may have been taught that their own needs were less important than their parents’ needs, or not important at all. As a result, the child learns to deny themselves of their needs and instead think of what they can do for others. Or they will swing the other way, and learn to be the one taking in the relationship.

Codependency does not have to be a life-sentence. Once the behaviors are identified, new healthy patterns of interactions can be learned. According to Pia Mellody, every adult has an inner “precious child” that needs healing, and recovery is achieved by learning to re-parent oneself. People in codependent relationships may need to take back their individuality in the relationship and do things for themselves. They may need to find a hobby or activity they enjoy outside of the relationship and spend time with supportive family members or friends. Additionally, it is helpful when the other person realizes how their behavior can trigger the codependent behavior in their partner. As with any mental or emotional health issue, treatment requires patience and work, as well as the help of an experienced clinician. Everyone deserves to be in a mutually reciprocal relationship! Please contact me today to schedule a session.
Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

Reconnecting with Reality: 10 Tips to Kick A Phone Addiction

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

A survey was recently conducted where participants were asked, “If you had to break a bone or break your phone what would you prefer?” The results were astounding: 46% percent of people would prefer to have a broken bone than a broken phone! Before the smartphone era, the average American spent just 18 minutes a day on the phone; today that figure is up to three hours. Three out of 24 hours of our day is being spent staring at a tiny screen…that is 1/8th of our day! Is that how we would prefer to spend our time or would we like to break that cycle and spend our valuable time on something more productive and satisfying?

The urge to pick up our devices is similar to other forms of behavioral addiction. Like gambling or shopping addiction, a small shot of dopamine is released in various regions of the brain through phone usage. That is what keeps us coming back for more, even when we know it is not in our best interest to do so. Instead of improving our lives, technology is actually getting in the way of us living and enjoying our lives. How can we overcome our addiction to distraction so we can focus on the things that actually matter? Here are ten practical suggestions we can implement immediately:

  1. Scheduled screen time. Set a timer for 15 minutes. When it goes off, spend a quick minute checking your phone’s notifications and be done. Push back the alarm to go off every 30, 45, or 60 minutes. You can even ask for help and accountability from your friends and family; tell them you will not be responding to messages as frequently as you used to.
  2. Remove distractions from the home screen. Most of us have Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, etc at the forefront of our screens. If we make those apps less accessible, we will not use them as much. Keep the apps that you want to encourage yourself to use (like those for reading or learning a new language) front and center, and banish anything you want to limit your time with to folders on your second page of apps (or if you have an Android phone, off the screen entirely).
  3. Disable push. An incredibly simple way to cut down on distractions is to turn off “push” notifications for as many apps as you can. Just head to Settings > Notifications to control your preferences. 
  4. Moon mode. On iPhones, there is a little icon of a moon if you swipe up to control brightness and wifi and whatnot. That little moon represents “do not disturb,” and it is kind of magical. It is a glorified silent mode, ideal for nighttime settings or undistracted time at work. Use DND and airplane mode to silence incoming distractions. 
  5. Use a filler. Instead of opening social media to scroll aimlessly, open a different app and be productive. Replace bad habits with good ones like learning a new language through Duolingo, creating flashcards for anything with Anki, self-reflection journaling with Vertellis, or using any number of apps to read or listen to a good book.
  6. Go old school. Many people use their phones as an alarm clock. But because the phone is easily within reach while in bed, many people find themselves scrolling right before bed and first thing in the morning. Cut that bad habit by reinstating your old-school alarm clock.
  7. “Alexa, do what my phone used to do for me.” You can ask these smart devices to play music for you, to check the weather, to read you a text,…the list goes on and on. Use Alexa instead of your screen!
  8. Grayscale. Time Well Spent, a nonprofit focused on changing our relationships to technology, recommends switching your phone to grayscale to make it less appealing. On an iPhone, find “Display Accommodations” and then turn on “Color Filters.” On a Samsung device, find “Vision” and then scroll down to “Grayscale.”
  9. Put it away. Unless there is an important phone call we are waiting for, we really do not need our phones within arms reach at all times. My dad leaves his phone on top of the refrigerator unless he needs it. Think about it–a smoker trying to kick the habit will still reach for a cigarette if it is sitting right in front of him. Ditto for phones; remove the temptation by stashing yours in your bag while at work or in a drawer when you want to have a real conversation at home.
  10. Don’t stop! Keep trying. Stay accountable. iPhones come with a built-in tracking system so we can see just how much time we have spent on any given app each day. There are also apps like Freedom, Moment, and Space that can help us see where we are spending our time and help us set limits. 

No doubt, Steve Jobs’ inventions, in the field of technology, have changed the world. But what most people do not know is he would not even let his children use an iPad. He told The New York Times, “We limit how much technology our kids use in the home.” Steve knew the power and addictive nature of these devices. So let’s be like Steve and limit our use of technology and break the cycle of addiction. The ten suggestions above can get us well on our way to getting off the phone and back to real life connection. If you are reading this on your phone, text or email someone you are thinking about. Let them know you care. Set a time to see them.  And then put the phone away.

(As always, if you find you have questions or would like to schedule a session, please do not hesitate to contact me today!)

Resources:


When You Feel Frustrated By Others, Remember This Wisdom From Brene Brown

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” ~ Brené Brown

My friend and I were recently driving on the freeway when a silver Jetta swerved around us, cut us off, and then sped away. As an overly cautious driver, my friend was frustrated and even angered by that person’s recklessness. After a moment, she said, “Maybe he’s running late for a job interview. Or maybe…he’s rushing to the hospital because his wife is in labor!” And just like that, her anger and frustration melted away as we came up with a million ways why this gentleman was, indeed, justified for driving so carelessly. 

Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston who has spent more than a decade studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame. In her book, Rising Strong, she walks readers through her research and presents the refreshing idea that people are simply doing the best they can. The above is just one example of assuming others are doing their best.  It means defaulting to the belief that someone’s intentions are honest, and not assume malice when there is uncertainty or doubt surrounding the circumstances. It means regarding someone as innocent until proven otherwise; retaining a favorable, or neutral, opinion of someone or something until the full information about the subject is available. In short, assuming everyone is doing the best they can is a benevolent way of looking at an often cynical world. 

It is not always easy to believe that everyone is doing their best, but the fact is that you and I rarely have the full picture. I was recently frustrated with a relative that never called me back, but when we finally spoke I learned that she had recently lost her job and was simultaneously going through an unexpected divorce. Similarly, I have a friend who bailed last minute on a BBQ a few weeks ago and I later found out his wife had been freshly diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. They were in the hospital undergoing an invasive surgery when he texted me.  In both of these scenarios, knowing a few more details completely changed my outlook! You and I rarely have the full picture. We do not know what is really going on in other people’s lives. We need to just trust that everyone is doing the best they can! And even if they are not doing their best…I would much rather extend the benefit of the doubt and be disappointed every once in awhile than live with a cynical outlook of others!

What does this have to do with self-care? Everything! Last year I wrote about self-talk, and I shared the power of self-talk–for better or for worse. You and I constantly have dialogue going in our minds, and the way we perceive others and the world deeply affects our reality, how we see others, and even ourselves. Here is why assuming others are doing their best is a great form of self-care:

  1. Assuming others are doing their best helps us see the good in them (and ourselves). You see what you are looking for. If you expect someone to be flakey, aloof, selfish, etc, you will find ample evidence of those traits. However, if you choose to trust they are doing their best, you will avoid self-fulfilling prophecies by seeing the good in others. When you extend the benefit of the doubt like my friend did, as we were driving, your heart will be softened. Instead of seeing the negative, we will see the good in others as well as their strengths. This will completely change your outlook and will help you be more understanding, empathetic and kind…even to ourselves.
  2. Assuming others are doing their best teaches you how to forgive yourself and others. If you work long enough at giving the benefit of the doubt to others, you will soon find that it is easier to extend it to yourself. If you make a mistake at work or burn the dinner in the oven, you will talk gentler to yourself because you know you are simply doing your best! Instead of getting offended at someone’s unkind words, you can forgive their thoughtlessness and move on, instead of being stuck in painful feelings. 

Everyone is doing their best. Everyone is living their lives the best they know how. And when you believe that, you see the good in others, in the world, and in yourself. There is so much good in the world! So next time you are tempted to think something negative about someone, practice giving the benefit of the doubt. Assume he or she is trying his/her best and you will be surprised how positively (and immediately!) it will affect your life. As always, should you have questions or be interested in scheduling a session, please do not hesitate to contact me today.
Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

Exercise….It’s Not Just Good for the Body!

“It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” ~ Socrates

One of my good friends detests exercising and will complain if I suggest doing anything remotely active together. Even though it is far from enjoyable for her, she cannot deny that exercising leaves a person feeling awesome and is totally worth the pain and hassle. I personally look forward to my weekly group training sessions with my physical trainer and frequently use these sessions in analogies with my clients.  I enjoy being active; the outlet of physical activity is invaluable. I find it so motivating and empowering when I am able to do an exercise or surpass a weight goal that once seemed impossible. There are a myriad of ways to exercise, and even more benefits that come from moving your body!

Exercise is defined as any movement that makes your muscles work and requires your body to burn calories. The most common include swimming, running, jogging, walking, biking and dancing. There are a million ways to be physically active; one day I will dedicate an entire post to listing as many ways to exercise as I can possibly think of!

For now, I want to focus on the benefits of exercising. Many of these benefits are not visible from the outside as working out affects humans physically and mentally. Here are just some of the ways being active will profit you:

  • Makes you feel happier. Exercise increases the production of endorphins, which help produce positive feelings. This is the feeling my friend who hates exercising admittedly enjoys. You cannot beat that post-workout high! 
  • Improves overall health. There are a million ways exercising benefits a person’s overall health. It burns calories to help lose or maintain healthy weight, as well as aides in the process of digesting food. Researchers say exercising fosters increased hydration and better dietary intake, which in turn positively affect healthy weight. Physical activity–like weight lifting–can stimulate muscle building when paired with adequate protein intake. Additionally, if you are exercising and stretching regularly, your flexibility will improve. This helps prevent injuries. Exercise also increases your heart rate, promoting the flow of blood and oxygen to your brain. Another benefit to overall health from exercise is that it serves as a distraction from pain as it reduces your perception of pain. It seems counter-intuitive, but–when done correctly–exercising can be an effective way to manage pain. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, exercising helps maintain vital body functions like breathing and a healthy heartbeat. In short, these overall health benefits combine to provide a prolonged life!
  • Reduces risk of disease. Lack of regular physical activity is a primary cause of chronic disease. Regular exercise has been shown to improve insulin sensitivity, cardiovascular fitness and body composition, while decreasing blood pressure and blood fat levels. It can reduce your risk of certain serious health conditions, including heart disease, diabetes and colon, breast, uterine, and lung cancer. Additionally, exercising boosts immunity and decreases your chances of developing (and getting stuck with) more common illnesses, like flus and colds. 
  • Increases energy levels and boosts productivity. Piggybacking off of #1, the endorphins released during exercise also fill you with energy. How many times have you come home from a walk or a game of tennis ready to tackle that pile of laundry or stack of paperwork? Research shows that those who take time for exercise on a regular basis are more productive and have more energy than their more sedentary peers.
  • Improves mental health. Exercising literally changes the part of the brain that regulates stress. Working out increases brain sensitivity for the hormones serotonin and norepinephrine, which relieve feelings of depression.  Exercise has been shown to reduce symptoms in people suffering from anxiety. Ever notice that you can start a workout feeling stressed and anxious, and end it feeling good? This is not just in your head. Exercise changes the chemistry of the brain by causing the release of GABA, a neurotransmitter that helps quiet brain activity and minimize anxiety. 
  • Improves sleep quality. By being active during the day, the body is more ready to sleep at night. If you struggle with insomnia or other sleep-related issues, regular exercise is one of the first suggestions to better sleep because your body will be ready to rest. 
  • Boosts creativity. A heart-pumping gym session can boost creativity for up to two hours afterwards! It is as if exercising clears your mind and enables you to tap into your full creative powers. Don’t believe me? Try it!
  • Improves sex life. Engaging in regular exercise can strengthen the cardiovascular system, improve blood circulation, tone muscles and enhance flexibility, all of which can improve your sex life.
  • Improves mood and body image. Need an emotional lift? Or need to blow off some steam after a stressful day? A gym session or brisk walk can help. Interestingly, it does matter how intense your workout is; your mood will be improved from any kind of physical activity! Exercising will also cause you to experience a boost to your confidence and self-esteem.
  • It’s fun and social! Many of the women in my neighborhood get together regularly to exercise in the morning. This keeps us all accountable, but even more so is that it is fun to work out and strengthens my relationships with them!

With all those benefits to exercising…why are we not all working out right now?! I have experienced most of these benefits firsthand and hope you have, too. Let’s make a goal to start the next week by giving our minds and our bodies what they need…exercise! I wrote a post at the beginning of the summer where I shared some simple ideas to fit exercise into your day. I promise you will feel better for it! As always, if you find you need additional assistance, please contact me. My door is always open!

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources:

The Link Between Insomnia and Mental Illness

“I’ve always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.”  ~ David Benioff (co-creator of Game of Thrones)

Surely you have experienced a poor night’s sleep. You wake up feeling unrested, groggy, like you got hit by a train… And the fun lasts throughout the day with slow reflexes, foggy brain, inability to concentrate, impatience, stress, worry, anxiety and even headaches. It is absolutely no surprise that sleep quality has a direct impact on your physical and mental health. Today I am going to highlight the connection between insomnia and mental illness, in hopes that those experiencing it can get the help they deserve.

Insomnia is defined as the inability to get the necessary amount of sleep to function efficiently during the daytime. It is a sleep disorder that is characterized by difficulty falling asleep, waking up often throughout the night, having trouble going back to sleep, and waking up too early in the morning. In essence, insomnia results in feeling tired upon waking. Understandably, said fatigue can lead to difficulties functioning during the daytime and have unpleasant effects on work, social and family life. 

You likely already knew all of that about insomnia. But what you may be unaware of is that insomnia can be indicative of more serious issues, including medical issues like sleep apnea, or even mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Sleep issues can even be a sign of an impending condition such as bipolar disorder. Many existing medical and mental health conditions can be worsened by sleep-related problems because lack of sleep slows recovery from mental illness. People with depression who continue to experience insomnia, for instance, are less likely to respond to treatment for depression. They are also at greater risk of relapse than those without sleeping problems.

Many people do not know there is an undeniable link between insomnia and mental health issues. More than fifty percent of insomnia cases are related to depression, anxiety or psychological stress, and many anxiety disorders are associated with difficulty sleeping. For instance, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is frequently associated with poor sleep. Panic attacks during sleep may suggest a panic disorder. Poor sleep resulting from nightmares may be associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The severity of sleep issues can determine the type of mental illness a person my experience. For example, early morning wakefulness, low energy, inability to concentrate, sadness and a change in appetite or weight can be indicative of depression. A sudden dramatic decrease in sleep accompanied by an increase in energy (or the lack of need for sleep) may be a sign of mania

Poor sleep patterns can not only be indicative of mental health issues, but it can also significantly worsen them. Insomnia makes it difficult to process and react to appropriately to negative emotions. Severe sleep problems can decrease the effectiveness of certain treatments. Treatment of sleep disorders has also been studied in relationship to schizophrenia, ADHD and other mental illnesses. All of the scientific data shows the connection between medical and mental illnesses: good sleep is necessary for recovery—or prevention—in both types of conditions.

There was a research trial done where fifty-one percent of individuals who overcame depression after psychological treatment (therapy) or medication were still experiencing insomnia. Insomnia tends to persist unless it is directly targeted for treatment. Insomnia can either be short-term or long-term; short-term insomnia is very common and has many causes such as stress, travel or other life events. It can generally be relieved by simple sleep hygiene interventions such as exercise, a hot bath, warm milk or changing your bedroom environment. Long-term insomnia lasts for more than three weeks. This is when you need to be examined by a physician with a potential referral to a sleep disorder specialist (a psychiatrist, neurologist or pulmonologist who have expertise in sleep disorders) for assistance. A balanced diet, regular exercise, meditation and relaxation, good sleeping habits, herbal remedies, medication and therapy are powerful actions that can help relieve insomnia. 

Living with insomnia is hard. The constant exhaustion and inability to sleep is an ailment which may require medical attention to overcome. Remember that insomnia often comes paired with a mental illness. Only as you work through both ailments will you find lasting relief. But it is doable, and I am here to help! Please do not hesitate to contact me today!

Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.

Resources: